Royal Rumble '96

Legacy Review

Royal Rumble '96

January 21, 1996 from the Selland Arena in Fresno, CA

Commentary: Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect

Ahmed Johnson def "Double J" Jeff Jarrett by DQ in 6:40- This was set up in their segment at the last In Your House where Johnson took like five unprotected foreign object shots to the head. Jarrett attacks and immediately bails. Johnson uses his power advantage to toss Jarrett around the first couple of minutes. Powerslam for 2. Jarrett dodges a (very tentative) charge and Johnson tumbles over the top rope, getting tangled up by the hand in the process. Highly doubt that was intentional, especially with how quick the ref gets him out. Jarrett hits a clothesline off the apron and gives Johnson a stair shot. Back in Jarrett gets cocky and struts. Johnson starts to hulk up and no sell everything. It's so similar to Ultimate Warrior he should sue for gimmick infringement. Johnson catches Jarrett coming off the second rope and hits an inverted atomic drop. Spinebuster. Jarrett goes to the floor again. Johnson with an over the top suicida! OK, I'll give him that one. He went down head first and Jarrett had to save him, but still. Johnson goes up top. Jarrett dodges a senton! Figure four! Johnson reverses it to get out. Jarrett goes for it again and Johnson pushes him to the floor. Jarrett grabs his guitar and whacks Johnson in the head with it off the top rope for the cheap DQ. Woof. Johnson was so raw and sloppy parts of this felt more like a walkthrough than an actual match. Jarrett was going through the motions before he could get the hell out of town with hopefully all his limbs still attached. I mean *really* out of town. He left WWF again soon after this before returning to WCW in the fall, when the Monday Night Wars had hit DEFCON 1. 1/2*

Diesel cuts a too cool for this school promo about how he's never had an issue with the Undertaker, he just wants his belt back and Taker got in the way.

WWF Tag Team Championship: The Smoking Gunns (c) def The Bodydonnas (w/Sunny) in 11:14- You see her train wreck life in the news all the time now, but those of you who weren't teenagers in the mid-'90s can never understand how insanely desirable Sunny was. Billy and Skip start. Billy no sells a flying headscissors and they keep going almost lucha style. Skip dodges and Billy flies to the floor. Bart gets taken out and the Bodydonnas double team Billy. Bart comes back up and flips both heels to the floor, then Billy takes them out with a plancha! Skip gets ricocheted around the face corner. Sunny distracts so the Donnas can recover. Bart no sells Zip chops. Press slam. The heels get a sneaky tag and Skip ambushes Bart. Then the Gunns do their own blind tag and hit a Hart Attack. Sunny gets knocked off the apron. Billy does the gentleman thing and checks on her, which of course gives the heels an opening to attack him. Brawl on the floor. Skip hits a plancha on Billy and he goes cowboy in peril. The Donnas hit a couple of suplex variation double teams for near falls. The match bogs down and even Vince loses his place for a moment. Double faceplant on Billy for 2. Everyone runs into each other and Billy gets the hot tag. Bart runs wild and hits a back elbow for 2. DONNYBROOK! Zip backdrops Skip. The Gunns hit their finisher but Sunny has the ref tied up again. Zip nails Bart from behind and Skip covers. Bart kicks out! The Donnas go for a double suplex. Billy spears Zip and Bart rolls up a horrendous small package on Skip for the pin. The layout was good, but the execution was severely lacking. These teams did not have good chemistry. *3/4

Next up is a BILLIONAIRE TED skit! Oh man was Vince punching so far down with these. Just embarrassing. Though I do have to admit the Huckster saying "At my age my feet don't leave the ground" was pretty true to life. And this was before Hogan turned heel. After that is a recap of the Ramon/Goldust feud, which featured one of the first modern style backstage brawls on Raw along with all the homoerotic head games.

WWF Intercontinental Championship: Goldust (w/the usher and Marlena) def Razor Ramon (c) in 14:17- Marlena is making her debut here. She's not named and commentary has no idea who she is. I believe this is the first time Goldust's film grain/letterbox intro was used too. Ramon's got the white strap belt tonight. Goldust lays right in thick with the mind games. Ramon gives him the toothpick flick. More mind games with Goldust refusing to lock up. Ramon grabs an arm wringer and jerks Goldust like crazy. By the arm. Standing switch and Goldust gives Ramon a full on fondle up his chest. That sets him off. More Goldust fondling in the corner. Hammerlock exchange and Goldust slaps Ramon. Ramon gets a leg takedown, slaps Goldust, then spanks him. Oh, Goldust liked that the little pervert. They go outside and Goldust hides behind Marlena. Back in a headlock/headscissors exchange ends with a Ramon punch, and thankfully no playing around with Goldust's head being so close to Ramon's crotch. Guess that would have been too on the nose even for this angle. Goldust blows Ramon a kiss as the crowd starts getting restless. Ramon charges with a clothesline to send Goldust 360 and out again. And he hides behind Marlena again. Ramon physically moves her aside and Goldust uses the opening to attack. Goldust whips Ramon around the buckles and hits a bulldog for 2. Slingshot back suplex for 2. Marlena blows gold dust in Ramon's face. Right in front of the ref! And then Ramon completely no sells it and cranks up a comeback. Goldust cuts it off with a swinging neckbreaker and slaps on a sleeper. As usual Ramon's selling is to sit down and do nothing else for a couple of minutes, then power out. He maneuvers everyone around and gives Goldust a low blow when the ref can't see. OK, that was well done. Both guys are down and Goldust covers for 2. Ramon choke slam for 2. Fallaway slam. Goldust goes up top. Ramon knocks him off and hits the back superplex. Marlena gets in the ring. The 1-2-3 Kid comes in from the crowd! He hits Ramon with a spinning kick off the top rope! Goldust covers for the pin and the title! It took forever to get going, but once it finally did it wasn't completely horrible, I think given the chance these guys had a good match in them. Like the Undertaker's early years, Dustin Rhodes was a great wrestler but his job was to get the gimmick over, not have great matches. The Kid interference was massive and unneeded overbooking though. Why revive his feud with Ramon when so much work was put into Ramon and Goldust? *1/2

We get the traditional pre-Rumble promo montage. Shawn Michaels' TV doctor clears him to wrestle again after being knocked loopy by that Owen Hart enzuguri on Raw a few months back. Vader goes all Goldberg and headbutts the locker.

Royal Rumble- For the first time ever the Rumble match is not the main event. After last year's 60 second experiment we're thankfully back to traditional 2 minute(ish) intervals this year. On the Free For All preshow Duke Drose defeated Triple H by DQ to claim the #30 entry, which per the match stips left Trips with being #1.

1&2. Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Henry O Godwinn- The recent rivals resume acquaintances. Trips does the corner flip but stops himself going all the way over, then eye rakes out of a press slam.

3. Mr. Bob Backlund- Another first this year: everyone's entrance music plays, not just the first two entrants. Backlund goes after Godwinn and Trips does a .5 Flair flop. Backlund gives Trips a hard forearm. Every man for himself.

4. Jerry "The King" Lawler- Trips hits Godwinn with a high knee. Lawler's in his gold lamê again. The heels work Godwinn over and Lawler gets the slop bucket. Godwinn fights them off, chases them out, and dumps the slop on all three heels on the floor and some poor unfortunates in the front row. After everyone gets back in they run through a sequence where seemingly no one can get on the same page.

5. Bob "Spark Plug" Holly- Trips jumps in with some random high octane pounding to try to liven up what's been a total slog so far. Godwinn blocks a Backlund chicken wing attempt.

6. King Mabel

7. Jake "The Snake" Roberts- This is Roberts' return after taking a few years off to clear his head and fight his personal demons, sadly unsuccessfully despite how it portrayed on screen at the time. He was also a shell of his former self physically at this point. He immediately gets the snake out and Lawler rolls around with it in the ring for a bit. Afterward Lawler vanishes. Maybe the snake ate him. Mabel gets tied in the ropes.

8. Dory Funk, Jr- Well at the last In Your House Vince promised people "we wouldn't expect" in the Rumble. I think this qualifies. The elder Funk brother was a few weeks away from turning 55 but he looks older. Vince even mentions he's a former NWA world champ. Trips blocks a Roberts DDT. Funk forearms on Backlund. We get a shot of Lawler hiding under the ring after commentary wonders where he is.

9. Yokozuna- Backlund gets Funk in the chicken wing until Yokozuna breaks it up and eliminates Backlund, finally the first elimination of the night. Mabel and Yoko unsurprisingly find each other. They squash each other in the corner, and when they get out we see that Godwinn was back there too and we couldn't even see him! OK, that's funny. Holly hits a frankensteiner on Godwinn just because.

10. The 1-2-3 Kid- Razor Ramon chases him out and has to be kicked out by the official gaggle. Funk gives Kid an airplane spin. Kid and Mabel go at it too. Somewhere in here Godwinn gets eliminated off camera.

11. Takao Omori- Another surprise entrant. Vince calls him "the wild man from Japan pro wrestling". New Japan? All Japan? Somewhere else? All Japan is the answer, where Omori was just starting to get traction as a rising star. He'd eventually win the Triple Crown title and Champion Carnival (All Japan's version of the G1 Climax) both in 2014. Meanwhile nothing of note is happening in the ring. Everyone's going half speed at best.

12. Savio Vega- He hits a spinning heel kick on Mabel. Yokozuna eliminates Mabel. This would be Mabel's last WWF appearance until coming back for his transformation into Viscera. Roberts eliminates Omori. Funk hits Vega with a suplex. The old man is trying.

13. Vader- IT'S VADER TIME! The former IWGP Heavyweight and WCW World champion's WWF debut here was rightly hyped for weeks on TV as a big effing deal. He's also joined Jim Cornette's stable. Holly is the first guy to taste some potatoes. Vader eliminates Funk. Vega gets pummeled in the corner by Vader.

14. Doug Gilbert- Brother of the late great Eddie Gilbert, who had passed away about a year before this. Vince mentions he's representing the USWA, probably as a favor to Lawler. Roberts plants Vega with a DDT while Cornette's mastodons Yoko and Vader stare down each other. Roberts hooks Gilbert up for a DDT. Vader comes up and they fumble around for a bit, then even from the hard camera shot you can practically see Roberts shout "CLOTHESLINE ME!". Vader does in the middle of the ring, and Roberts falls all the way back to the ropes and is eliminated. Vader buries Gilbert with a choke slam and gets the crowd behind him a little.

15. Squat Teamer #1- Also known as the Headhunters, a team of superheavyweight identical twins. Vader eliminates Gilbert and ST1.

16. Squat Teamer #2- Both twins go in to try to confuse everyone. Vader and Yoko dump them right back out. 

17. "The King of Harts" Owen Hart- Vader and Yoko double squash Vega.

18. "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels- Vader eliminates Vega. Shawn goes after Owen for injury revenge. Vader and Yoko slug it out on each other again. Shawn sneaks up and eliminates both of them! I mean, cool spot, but there's no believable way little Shawn lifted up BOTH of them at the same time. That's Cesaro level strength. Shawn eliminates Kid.

19. Hakushi- Vader and Yoko argue on the floor while Cornette tries to make peace. Vader hits Yoko from behind! This would be the start of Yoko's short lived face turn. Vader gets back in the ring, pummels Shawn, and dumps everyone still in over the top rope. In another rule that floats from year to year, none of them count as eliminations because Vader had already been eliminated. The gaggle of officials are joined by WWF President Gorilla Monsoon, who personally orders Vader to leave. There's more coming there.

20. Tatanka- Already an afterthought after his ill-conceived heel turn. Hakushi hits Owen with a handspring elbow. After the Vader excitement everything quickly gets bogged down again. Owen eliminates Hakushi. 

21. "The Portuguese Man O' War" Aldo Montoya- Perfect: "He's got his jock on the wrong part of his body!". Hah! Shawn gets thrown through the ropes, wanders around for a bit, pulls Lawler out from his hiding spot under the ring, and eliminates him. Nowadays Lawler would have stayed down there until after everyone else was eliminated and everyone thought the match was over. That finish has been so overdone in Rumbles and battle royales the last decade, not just in WWE but other companies too, it should be banned for the rest of time.

22. Diesel- He immediately eliminates Tatanka. Diesel hits Shawn! Shawn hits back! Every man for himself.

23. Kama- Diesel whacks Shawn again, albeit inadvertently this time.

24. "The Ringmaster" Steve Austin- Austin made his WWF debut with this infamous gimmick a couple of weeks prior and was made the new centerpiece of Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation, even being given the Million Dollar Belt. He's also still got a bit of hair left. Unlike most everyone else tonight Austin flies out of the gate and shows some spunk in the match. Holly slingshots Austin over the top rope but he lands on the apron, comes back in, and eliminates Holly. Not a bad run this year for old Sparky Plugg. Future company cornerstones Austin and Triple H hook up for the first time.

25. Barry Horowitz- Owen skins the cat. Diesel eliminates Trips, who got the ironman run this year at a little over 45 minutes.

26. Fatu- Owen lifts Shawn up in a suplex by the ropes but he falls on the apron. Shawn tries to suplex Owen to the floor but it's blocked.

27. Isaac Yankem DDS- Owen eliminates Horowitz. Owen enzuguri on Shawn! That one had to have killed him, right? No, Shawn's moving. Owen goes to throw him over, but Diesel sneaks up and eliminates Owen. Austin with a HUGE diving clothesline on Shawn. He's going 110%.

28. Marty Janetty- Rocker slugfest! Even with Shawn a face again there was no way this wasn't happening.

29. "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith- Bulldog eliminates Janetty. Somewhere off camera during this period Austin gets eliminated too. Reportedly it was accidental as he was supposed to be in the final four. Shawn gets run into the post. Yankem eliminates Fatu. 

30. Duke "The Dumpster" Drose- Shawn and Bulldog fight on the floor with Owen jumping in before the refs can get him to the back. Shawn eliminates Yankem. Diesel and Kama eliminate Drose. So much for all that #30 hype.

FINAL FOUR- Shawn, Diesel, Kama and Bulldog. Bulldog tosses Shawn but he lands on the apron, slides under Bulldog, and clotheslines him out. Kama comes from behind and Shawn teeters again. Diesel eliminates Kama. SUPERKICK! Diesel is gone! Shawn Michaels wins! Shortest final four run ever. Shawn joins Hulk Hogan as the only two time and only back to back Rumble winners. After the match while the camera is focused on Diesel's angry reaction Shawn starts stripping in the ring. Seriously. He gets his overtrunks off and pulls his tights down so far you can literally see the top of his pubes before Diesel thankfully stops him. They tease issues but high five it out. Everything's cool with the cool kids. For now.

Like the previous year this was another weak Rumble. I appreciate the attempt to get some outside names in to liven it up but none of them really hit. Vader's debut was fairly well done, as was the Diesel/Shawn story, and Austin looked great the short time he was in it, but the majority of it was just there. **1/2

Diesel is still hanging around as Taker makes his entrance for the main event. Taker loses his entrance gear and it's on! Brawl on the aisle! Officials run in and separate them. Diesel tells Taker "I ain't afraid of the dark" as he leaves.

WWF Championship: The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) def Bret "Hitman" Hart (c) by DQ in 28:31- Still Facemask Taker here. Taker stalks and Bret dodges. Taker no sells punches and pounds Bret down in the corner. Slow zombie Taker offense with the usual throat shots and chokes. Taker puts the claw/smother hold on Bret that he used in his last title matches against Hogan back in '91 and Bret's in it forever as the match grinds to a halt out of the gate. Bret tries to put his foot on the ropes but Bearer keeps pushing it off, clearly playing a heel role in this face vs face match. Finally Bret grapevines the rope. Taker hits the rope walk drop and puts the smother back on. Vince has said "methodical" five or six times already. Bret gets a boot up in the corner, hits a diving clothesline off the second rope, and clotheslines Taker 360 to the floor. Naturally Taker lands on his feet. Bret plancha! Taker catches Bret coming off the apron and runs his back into the post. Bret counters another charge and Taker gets posted. Bret runs into a big boot. Taker gets run into the stairs knee first and Bret has a target. They finally get back in the ring and Bret spends the next almost 10 minutes slowly picking away at the knee. After a figure four, reversal, and more knee work Bret decides to have a go at pulling Taker's mask off. That doesn't work and it's back to the knee. Finally Taker whacks Bret across the jaw with his good leg and tosses Bret to the floor. Stair shot for Bret and Taker chokes him with a TV cable while Bearer distracts Hebner. Bret gets run into the timekeeper's table. Back in Bret ducks a big boot and goes back to the knee. The crowd's starting to turn on the match, booing both guys. Taker powers back and hits a legdrop. He lifts Bret up for the tombstone but Bret squirts out onto the apron. He counters a Taker backdrop into a DDT for 2. Taker starts doing zombie situps after each Five Moves of Doom move. Bret goes for the Sharpshooter. Taker goozles him. Double clothesline. Now Bret dips into the heel playbook, taking off a turnbuckle pad. He goes for Taker's mask again and this time gets it off. Bret dodges around an enranged Taker and eventually runs him into the exposed turnbuckle. It goes nowhere. Literally nowhere. You could cut it out of the match and it would make no difference at all. Taker catches a Bret crossbody. Tombstone! Diesel comes out again and pulls Hebner out while he's counting! Hebner calls for the bell. Diesel smirks that arrogant Kevin Nash smirk as it's announced Taker wins by DQ so no title change. Diesel flips off Taker! This is a textbook example of two otherwise excellent wrestlers dogging it because there was going to be a screwy finish. Cut it in half and it might have been OK. Fortunately they'll show more of what they were capable of in their far superior Summerslam '97 WWF Title match. As much as you hate to do a finish like this on a PPV main event, it did do its job of setting up the Diesel/Taker feud. *3/4

 

The Network copy also includes a 10 minute "Royal Rumble Plus" fallout video, featuring some good and very unscripted promos from Shawn, Diesel and Cornette/Vader, as well as Monsoon setting the main event for the next In Your House.

OVERALL SHOW THOUGHTS- A bottom tier Rumble, a crap undercard and a hugely disappointing WWF title match in the main event. Vader and Austin's WWF PPV debuts are decent, as are the bits of WWF slowly adopting a new Attitude, but this one is definitely for completionists only.

OVERALL SHOW GRADE: D