Games of the Year 2023

Johnny Legacy's Deep Thoughts

Games of the Year 2023 (And Other Assorted Gamey Thoughts)

As 2023 comes to a close, and this year being a rare case that I bought a lot of games fresh on the market instead of waiting a while, I thought why not put together my own Games of the Year list. Now keep in mind, this is only my list of the games I've played. There's a lot of stuff out there I don't play and some genres (FPS) that I avoid entirely. I only have a PS5 and PC, no XBox, no Nintendo consoles newer than the GameCube. If you don't see a highly rated game on here, it's likely because I haven't played it.

Speaking of consoles, an interesting thing that's happened to me since the PS5 has come out is how my gameplay habits have changed. 10-15 years ago I played way more PC games than anything else. That slowly started to even out more during the PS3 and PS4 eras, and now I'm at the point I play way more on console than PC. Some games, like Mass Effect with the Legendary Edition remaster, I've actually switched from PC to console. That being said, you'll find this list to be very PS5 heavy because of that.

Before we get to the list proper, a few other things I'd like to mention.

 

Honorable Mention: Best Remaster- Final Fantasy 1-6 Pixel Remaster

 

 

Technically this was not released this year as it was released on PC and mobile back in 2021, but it did finally go out on consoles where it belongs this year so I'm counting it for this year. Final Fantasy is my favorite game series of all time, but of these original NES and SNES games I had only ever played all of 4 and 6 before so this was finally my best chance to go back and play the series' early years. Now, are these new ports absolutely pixel *perfect*? No. The NES games in particular might have had their graphics modernized a little too much, but it's still a very good representation of the original games, and as you get into the SNES games they get closer and closer to the originals, especially in keeping a lot of that Mode 7 goodness. Fortunately the sound effects were kept the same and not modernized any. And the scores. Oh, the scores. Not only is FF my favorite game series, but the music from FF games isn't just the best video game music, it's some of the best film/TV/video game as a whole music ever. FF music will be coming up again later, but for these games what we got was an absolute gift- all 6 scores completely re-recorded with live orchestra, with the option to play the game with the original chiptune music as well. I'm not ashamed to say I dropped a fair amount of money to get all 6 remastered soundtracks and they were worth every penny.

Gameplay wise, these games are superb. They're all mostly true to the originals but have some small quality of life improvements, especially the early games. In FF 1 and 2 your characters will no longer attack an empty space like an idiot if an enemy is defeated before their turn to go. All the games support modern controllers with stick-supported character movement, have an auto-battle option to speed things up, and have new, more streamlined menus to make swapping equipment and spells easier and have a universal look across all six games. The new boosts (or cheats if you prefer) are also a big help for those who want them, particularly for 2's unique and eternally controversial XP system.

While I'm at it and on a roll I might as well give a quick review for each game:

1- The original is simple with a very basic story and characters, but sets the stage for the series very nicely. The big twist with Garland at the end is an early indication of the kind of huge, epic plots the series will become known for.

2- The first attempt at a larger, more intricate story with deeper characters and it works pretty well. Shame the experiment with the "you only get XP if you use it" system didn't work nearly as well. Biggest FF battle system flop until the disaster that was FF 8. But hey, it introduces chocobos to the series and that's not nothing.

3- The story and characters are more FF 1 style back to basics, with the four main characters always speaking like one person. The big note here is the introduction of the Job system, which will come back in a big way for 5. This game is also the first one to feature multiple worlds to explore, which will be a feature in all the SNES games. The score takes a major leap up in this game too.

4- The first FF game on the Super Famicom/SNES takes full advantage of the new console, with a much bigger story full of rich characters. Gameplay wise it's still getting there a bit. Despite the large cast you never have a choice in your party members, you're always stuck with what the game/plot dictates you have, sometimes to your detriment (how is Fusoya so frakking useless when he looks like he should be so strong, and late in the game when you need heavy hitters to boot). This is also the game that was famously released in two modes: Easy Mode, which was the basis for the original SNES localization, and Hard Mode, which was the standard in Japan. This remaster version seems to strike a bit more of a balance but it mostly plays like Hard Mode.

5- The pinnacle of the classic Job system. You only have the core four characters in your party the whole game (well, just about, *spoilers*), but you can change your characters' jobs and abilities at will with a huge range of options to suit a variety of play styles. The story isn't quite on the level of the other two SNES games but is still pretty good. Exdeath is a fairly weak villain in the series' history as he never has much motivation other than "I'm evil". At this point in the series you already expect something more. At least Kefka was just plain fucking nuts. Speaking of...

6- Final Fantay's first true masterpiece. An incredible story with a mid-game twist that was hugely shocking at the time, especially for something on a Nintendo console. A plethora of deep, interesting and well rounded characters, and for most of the game the ability to choose your own team for the first time in an FF game (my personal A team is Terra, Edgar, Sabin and Celes). Perfectly balanced gameplay. Possibly Uematsu's best score, and all in full orchestral glory for the remaster. The frakking opera scene. Almost every note of this game is pitch perfect.

Honorable Mention: The Indie Wishlist Backlog

Buying so many brand new AAA games this year meant that I didn't dip much into those smaller, more unique indie experiences that I love so much. For an idea of my indie tastes you can take a look at this article I wrote way back in the spring of 2020, the only other non-wrestling article I've posted on here so far. It's a bit out of date now but still mostly right. If I had done one of these articles last year, The Stanley Parable Ultra Deluxe and Return to Monkey Island would absolutely have been on the list. Here's a quick rundown in no particular order of games that came out this year that have been sitting in my wishlists that I might have gotten to this year if there hadn't been so many big releases I wanted, and I hope to get to soon:

Firmament- The second stand alone game (after 2016's Obduction) to come from Cyan, the developers of the legendary Myst franchise, one of my favorite series of games from way back even if I nearly always needed help with the puzzles. I'm man enough to admit that.

Rogue Legacy 2- I loved the original game even though it was hard as hell so getting the sequel at some point is a no-brainer. Like Mass Effect, the first Rogue Legacy is another one that made the transition from PC to console for me.

WrestleQuest- Mixing old school wrestling with a SNES style JRPG? You know I'm going to check that out.

Chained Echoes- A more traditional style old school JRPG. I've played other attempts like Cosmic Star Heroine and I Am Setsuna and both left me a bit wanting, but this looks worth a shot.

The Entropy Centre- Looks like another Portal clone, but a potentially interesting one. Plus it's not like we're getting a new Portal anytime soon.

The Talos Principle 2- I played but never finished the original, but mostly enjoyed its mix of puzzles and philosophy, and the trailers for the new one look pretty damn incredible.

Do Not Feed The Monkeys 2099- Why not? This would definitely be on the "unique" part of the indie list.

One More Thing Before the List: Most Anticipated for 2024

 

Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth- The unquestioned #1. Apart from some small quibbles about the combat system and not being able to play full classic FF style combat in it like the original FF7, FF7 Remake was pretty much perfect. I have very high hopes for the next chapter.

Suicide Squad- This is pretty much only here because it's developed by Rocksteady, the same company that did another of my favorite game series of all time, the Batman: Arkham main trilogy (Origins was outsourced). I'm a little nervous about how this will actually turn out, but hopefully they'll pull it out. Having Kevin Conroy's last performance as Batman is certainly a draw.

Old Skies- The next outing from point and click adventure masters Wadjet Eye Games, I'm hoping this gets done in time to make it out next year but that's a coin flip at best.

Riven Remastered- When I upgraded my PC for the first time in almost a decade at the start of the year, one of the first things I played was the newest remaster of the original Myst. It was glorious. Earlier this year Cyan announced that it was starting work on a brand new, ground up remaster of Myst's sequel, Riven. The original still looks pretty good even today, and being able to finally freeroam through that beautiful world instead of clicking mostly static images has long been a gaming dream of mine.

New Mass Effect- I'm thinking it's going to be 2025 at the earliest for this, but it's Mass Effect, it goes on the list.

This article's taken on a life of it's own and I haven't even gotten to what I originally intended it to be about. OK, here we go. My personal, only from what I played top 5 games of 2023. Plus one. And spoiler free for anyone that hasn't played them yet.

Honorable Mention/Incomplete: Starfield

 

I've never been the biggest Bethesda fan. I've tried a whole bunch of their games, but the only one that stuck for any time was Skyrim, and even that was temporary. I poured nearly 100 hours into it the first year and a half to two years I had it, then that was it. Stopped playing it cold and haven't even thought of going back to it for years. I'm the type of person that loves to replay my favorites over and over again, so that's really saying something. I never turned against the game or started hating it, I just had my fill and hit a point that I was done with it. For good. But when Bethesda first announced a full sci-fi space opera in their style, I was instantly interested. Thanks to the generosity of a friend I got a PC copy the week it came out way earlier than I intended to buy it. I've only played the intro, the first space battle and part of the first mission so I'm not that far in. I'm interested, and I know that this is the type of game that the more you put into it the more you get out of it, but other things keep getting in the way. I'm hoping to spend a lot more time with this sometime later next year.

5. Star Trek: Resurgence

 

Star Trek and point and click adventure games have always seemed like an obvious marriage. Back in the early-mid '90s for the franchise's 25th anniversary Interplay developed a pair of Star Trek point and click games for PC, featuring fantastic graphics for the time and the entire original cast voicing their roles. A 25th anniversary game was also produced for the NES that featured a section with point and click inspired gameplay. Sadly, the Interplay PC games were made in very much a Sierra style rather than Lucasarts, featuring potential dead ends and annoying character deaths around every corner if you put so much as a pixel out of line. After that Trek games would focus more on other genres, until this year and the release of Resurgence, initially for PC, but it was later ported to consoles. My copy is on PC.

Developed by new studio Dramatic Labs, Resurgence takes a lot of cues from more recent Telltale releases, featuring realistic graphics that could be straight from a Rick Berman era Trek TV show, and favoring player story choice through dialogue choices rather than classic point and click inventory puzzles. The game focuses on two major characters: Commander Jara Rydek, newly appointed first officer of the USS Resolute, which is just getting out of a long stint in drydock following an, er, incident; and lower decker Petty Officer Carter Diaz, an engineering grunt. Having characters in two such totally different positions allows you to get very different perspectives on everything that's going on.

The characters and story are absolutely what carries this game. Nearly everyone on the Resolute's crew is interesting with fleshed out characters that develop over the course of the game, the alien races featured have an interesting backstory and the individual characters are mostly well done, and the legacy cameos work just fine. Pulling a significant part of the story out of one of the, shall we say, less fondly remembered episodes of The Next Generation is a bold move, but a very good one as they picked out an aspect that was rich for further exploration. The dialogue choice system works extremely well. The large beats of the story are going to be pretty much the same no matter what you choose, but the choices you make let you mold the fine details into whatever shape you want it to be in. There's parts late in the game when you're controlling Rydek on the bridge, in command, having to make snap decisions in a combat situation and it really feels like you're there in the middle of it all. In a lot of ways it's the captain simulator the early aughts PC game Star Trek: Bridge Commander tried to be and only moderately succeeded at. Being able to track your choices and their affect on both story and character through the game's website and compare them to other players is also a great feature.

Where the game falls a bit short is when they try to introduce other gameplay elements. Personally, I had no issue with the shuttle piloting sequences but know other people did. The worst part, for me, was the stealth. It's always the bloody stealth. Well, almost always. Particularly one spot late in the game where you're not only in stealth trying to avoid enemies, but also trying to figure out where the hell to go in the first place. Some of the combat parts miss the mark as well, no pun intended. In general, anytime the game strays outside its core gameplay style things can get a little wonky. That being said, this is definitely a contender for the best Star Trek game ever made. At points you feel like you're controlling a character within a TV episode, making the same kinds of decisions they make, and at those moments this game is at its absolute best.

4. Theatrythm Final Bar Line

Here we are back to my love of Final Fantasy music. As the name implies this is the final game in a series dedicated to the gloriousness that is Final Fantasy music, but the first one to be on a console rather than Nintendo DS so it's the first one I've had a chance to play. The gameplay is straightforward enough. You have either single press, double press, stick flick or press and hold triggers that flow along to the music, and have lots of difficulty settings to choose from. It looks easy, but is also deceptively tricky to learn. I had a lot of trouble at first figuring out the trick on the sliding triggers on the field levels. Once you get it down it's pretty easy to start Perfect Chaining stuff on Standard difficulty. It took me a while, but I've even got a handful of All Criticals on my record. 

 

As you're playing a combat party of your choice from across the FF spectrum battles regular monsters and bosses, also taken from across the series, with how well they do depending on how well you play. Miss too many triggers and it's a dead party and game over. It's a chance to build a sort of dream team of favorite FF characters to go into battle. Each character has a specialty, like physical combat, magic, healing, summons, or item collection. My A team, based on both personal favorites and my always wanting to have a balanced team in any FF game, is Cloud (7), Terra (6), Zidane (9) and Yuna (10). My B team is Lightning (13), Tidus (10), Vivi (9) and Dagger (9), and if I get in a spot where I need a healer for a quest goal it's Aerith (7).

One of the game's biggest strengths is the sheer variety of music available. There's a good amount of music from every mainline numbered FF game and their sequels, which alone would have been enough to make the game. On top of that there's selections from almost every spinoff game in the franchise, including arrangements from previous Theatrythm games, and even dedicated sections for both FF7 Remake and the various older FF7 spinoff games and movies. Even more music from non-FF Square games is available as DLC. I made sure to get the Chrono Trigger/Chrono Cross stuff. It's an incredible archive. You can even listen to the music on its own without playing the game at all.

The gameplay is way more than just playing cues randomly, though. Each FF main game and spinoff has its own quests available with goals of varying difficulty for each piece from within the game. After you clear every cue in the quests you open up the Endless World option, letting you play as long as you can attempting to complete quests before your life runs out. There's collectable cards to get and feats to achieve. You can even collect airships from across the series and outfits for your mandatory moogle companion. Being an FF game there's an RPG character growth mechanic for all your characters, allowing you to level up their stats to fight more effectively and make quests easier. All in all, it's a superb game I'd recommend to anyone that's a fan of the FF series or interested in its music.

3. Hogwarts Legacy

As a longtime Harry Potter fan (the books at least, I was never wild about the movies), the announcement of a AAA PS5 game to take place in the Potter universe and put you in the role of a student at Hogwarts immediately got my attention. The reveal that it would take place in the 19th century, a previously unexplored part of Potter lore, allowing it to feature a completely original story and characters, only got me even more interested. This was the first of the many games I wanted to get to come out this year, and it held up against later stiff competition extremely well.

The game's first promise is to make you feel like a real Hogwarts student, and in that it succeeds very well. Exploring Hogwarts castle and the surrounding grounds is immensely satisfying, especially when rooting out the many secrets the castle has to offer. Never found that hidden swimming pool though. If you've watched A Very Potter Musical, and you should, you know what I'm talking about. But even doing little more than wandering around and enjoying the castle's sights is worth the time. One nitpick is I wish there was a better map system in the game, because even after hours of exploring it's very easy to get lost inside the castle. The way the Room of Requirement is used for this game is absolute genius, and a potential huge time suck if you're into interior decorating. Hogsmeade village is also a fun place to amble around and explore. That alone would be more than enough to make any Potter fan happy, certainly me, but the game goes *way* beyond that by including what seems like half the Scottish coast to open world roam around, featuring multiple villages, castles, ruins and a ton of other little things to find and do. In my opinion it's a little too open world. The sheer volume of stuff to do is almost overwhelming, and as much as I've played I've probably only seen about half of it outside the immediate area of Hogwarts. I also got dead sick of caves after a while and refused to go in any more.

The majority of the gameplay revolves around two things: combat and puzzles. Both of which, being a witch or wizard, require spellwork. Combat is undoubtedly the better of the two. Engaging from the start, increases in complexity and difficulty at a good pace as you level up and learn more spells, and later in the game you have a good variety of spells at your disposal to tackle opposition as you see fit. The puzzles, on the other hand, let's just say after a while I got really damn tired of floating platforms around trying to figure out what the hell to do, or worse, knowing what to do but not how the game wanted me to do it. The puzzles can get *very* tedious the further you get in the game. I got to the point where I'd avoid any sidequests that involved puzzles because I'd had my fill. You do learn how to fly later in the game, but it's limited to being either a convenient way to travel across the map or side/minigames. That's a shame, because flying in this game is tremendous fun. I would often fly between far flung locations instead of using quick travel. It's that good, and a good way to discover things to mark on the map for later. Hopefully a potential sequel will have more flying and fewer puzzles. I should mention the music here too, which does a good job of emulating the classic John Williams scores from the early movies while still doing its own thing, and I mention it here because the flying music is the highlight of the whole score. Because of the sheer size of the game there's a huge variety in side stuff to do, so there will be something to suit just about any gameplay style. Personally I tackled the dueling club and summoner's court pretty early, and most anything involving flying once I was able.

Another more iffy part of the game is the story and characters. The main story is good enough but not anything I'd consider outstanding. It does gets better as it goes along. It's a good thing that Hogwarts is such a fun place to explore, because a lot of the people you encounter inside it come off as rather....wooden. There's a small group of students, from different houses, that you slowly become closer friends with through optional sidequests and as you learn more about them they become more well rounded characters. I think just about everyone will agree Sebastian's story in particular is fantastic. The professors are a bit more interesting from the start but you don't get the chance to interact with most of them nearly as much. Still, everyone loves Professor Garlick. Overall, Hogwarts Legacy succeeded at most of what it set out to do, and I'm very interested in a sequel in the not too distant future. Hopefully one with a few of the kinks ironed out.

 

2. Final Fantasy XVI

 

I've resisted the push in the Final Fantasy series away from the traditional RPG menu combat to a more action-based style as strongly as anyone. It's a big reason why Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy 13-3 was such a huge disappointment for me, even with me being seemingly one of the few people in the world that loves FF 13 and also enjoyed 13-2. It's not the only reason, that game had a lot of issues, but it was a big one. FF 15 is the only mainline FF game, other than the two MMO ones, that I've never played and it was largely the continuation of action combat that put me off. Maybe one day. But when details for 16 started coming out, it looked so damn good that even with the action combat once again coming back I was pretty sure I'd enjoy this one. Fortunately I was right. By the time I was done I'd put right on 60 hours into it, the longest I've ever played the first run of a game. Even doing everything to platinum Ghost of Tsuhima, which also had its own lengthy main story, took "only" about 50 hours.

If you insist on having an action Final Fantasy game, this is the way to do it. It's engaging, pretty simple to pick up, and offers a wide variety of special moves to mix things up that expand as the game goes on. Unlike most FF games there's not much of a party to this one. You play as the main character Clive Rosfield, with your faithful hound Torgal always by your side and ready to aid in the attack. Besides them, other characters can come and go with you as the story progresses but there's also lots of times where it's just you. While regular combat is good, where this game really sets out to blow your mind is the giant Eikon battles. Summons are occasionally a crucial part of the story in FF games rather than just summon creatures, and 16 is one of those (Eikon is a riff on eidolon, which is what summons were called in FF 9). The Eikon fights are battles on a scale almost never before seen in video game history, true landscape altering kaiju sized fights. And that's at their smallest, they get even bigger. Be prepared to set aside a good 30-45 minutes each for the huge, multi-stage Eikon fights later in the game.

As always with Final Fantasy, there's a deep and interesting game world, great characters, and a massive story that forever alters the world these characters live in. Returning to a pretty straightforward European medieval style setting for the first time since really the 8 bit days gives this game a unique feel and was a great choice. The story goes back to a theme occasionally seen in past FF games, multiple nations vying with each other for power, and this one delves deep into the political intricacies more than ever. To aid with this the game introduces a wonderful new tool: Active Time Lore, where you can pause a cutscene and pull up a menu with background information on the characters, nations, and any other relevant information. It's a great tool for a first playthough, though personally I got through fine watching the scenes and then diving into the lore after. Later in the game there's a character in your hub solely dedicated to providing information on the political and military maneuvers currently going on. This is also the most mature and adult-leaning FF game to date. The series has never shied away from darker tones, even in the kid-oriented Nintendo days, but if the series were movies this would definitely be the first R rated FF game due to its swearing, gore and nudity. I also love the twist in your relationship with the crystals. In all the other FF games that have crystals you're trying to either collect or protect them, usually both. In this one, the overriding goal is the destruction of all the world's mountain sized crystal structures, called Mothercrystals, as seen in the above screenshot.

 

There's been a lot of criticisms of the sidequests, and some of it is justified. They start out extremely simple and don't seem to offer a lot at first, but as you do them more and more you start to learn more about all kinds of ancillary characters and the world in general, and by the second half of the game can be just as good as the main story. They also get you some great kit you can't get otherwise. The main reason my initial playthrough went so long was my insistence on finishing up all the possible sidequests before going into the endgame and I'm glad I did. The only side bit I didn't tackle was the Arete Stone, which didn't interest me too much as it was only replaying levels. My next time through I might spend more time with that.

Is it the best Final Fantasy game? No. I enjoyed it enough to put it probably mid tier, but in a series with quality standards this high that's nothing to be ashamed of. It was certainly good enough to take the #2 spot for this year on my list. But not quite #1....

1. Spider-Man 2

When Spider-Man was released on the PS4 in 2018 it perfectly filled the gap for an open world superhero adventure left by the end of the Arkham series in '15 in every way possible. Gameplay, story, characters, playing with the classic lore while adding new twists, it had it all. Miles Morales followed in late '20 and was a good stopgap to keep the series going while the next full game was being made. It was DLC length for a DLC price, but did a great job expanding Miles' character and setting him up to partner with Peter Parker in the full sequel. This year, that sequel hit, and it did not disappoint. For the most part. Hey, this is a review, I have to nitpick. Even my #1 game of the year.

 

Like most sequels, Spider-Man 2 takes most everything the first game did and makes it better. Web slinging around the town is just as fun as ever. Brooklyn and Queens are added to Manhattan to increase the area to explore. There's some cool new gadgets available to fling yourself around town with if you're so inclined. Literal slingshots. The web wings also work as good as advertised, giving you an option to glide instead of web swing. One nitpick I will say is I really miss the variety of the web options from the first game. Impact webs, electric webs, weapons I used a ton in combat in the first game are nowhere to be seen here and it's a shame. There's still some good gadgets available, but in my opinion they don't work quite as well. One huge new addition to combat is a new parry mechanic, giving you a defensive option other than dodging. It works well, but the timing can also be tricky to get down. Thanks to all the accessibility options you get in games now, instead of changing the entire game's difficulty I went in and expanded the window for a perfect parry a little bit, and that was all the help I needed. Peter also has new special abilities that are much like Miles' venom abilities, giving you some more options with him.

 

In the interest of keeping all this spoiler free I won't get into detail on the story but it's just as good as the first game, if not better. There's a couple of very good mini-story sidequests as well as another boatload of collectables to hunt for if you so choose. Though I do have to say one of them, at first, will almost have you pining for pigeon chasing from the first game. The game makes sure to give both Peter and Miles plenty of time to shine individually and together. For most of the game you're free to swap as you want. Most sidequests can be completed with either, but each also have specific sidequest stories only they can do. You're also dictated which one you can use for each main mission, but it's a very nice balance between the two.

So, nitpicks. Well first off, the MJ stealth levels are back and are just as annoying. She does get a couple of new weapons, but ultimately they still feel like a chore rather than a game highlight. But my biggest criticism of the game is the boss fights. The first game had tremendous boss fights, maybe even better than Arkham, that each had a unique style tailored to the enemy you were fighting. Not so here. I don't know if it was because they really wanted to showcase the new parry mechanics, or just plain didn't have time to plan out anything else, but all the boss fights in this game tend to play the exact same way. To make it worse, they've seemingly compensated for the lack of variety by making each boss fight much longer. Which only makes it worse. Most boss fights you have to take out 3 or even 4 full life bars with cutscenes in between, but when it comes down to it you fight every stage and most every enemy the exact same way and it can get pretty tedious as you get further in the game. I hate to say it, but the boss fight in the game's opening is probably the best one in the whole game, largely because it's different.

Still, that doesn't take away what an amazing experience this game is. Spider-Man on Playstation is its own full blown franchise now, and I can't wait for a likely third full game to wrap up the trilogy.

Well, that article turned into quite the beast. Hopefully you enjoyed it, and feel free to add your own list in the comments. If enough worthy games come out in 2024 look for another games of the year article!

St. Valentine's Day Massacre '99: In Your House

Legacy Review

St. Valentine's Day Massacre '99: In Your House

February 14, 1999 from the Memphis Pyramid in Memphis, TN

Commentary: Michael Cole and hometown hero Jerry Lawler

Double history being made in the title for this show. First, it's the one and only St. Valentine's Day Massacre. Second, this is the final show to bear the In Your House name until it was revived under the NXT umbrella in 2020. From this point on all the B PPVs will have their own name without the INY moniker. We're on the road to Wrestlemania 15, and after Mr. McMahon's controversial (in more ways than one) Royal Rumble win we still don't have the main event for the big show set. That will be settled tonight.

Goldust def Bluedust in 3:07- Bluedust is ECW legend and JOB Squad member the Blue Meanie, who's been harassing Goldust ever since his WWF arrival. The Blue One even comes out to the Gold One's music. Blue paint, blue pyro and everything. Goldust does the early jump and hits a spinebuster with Meanie still in his robe. Aggressive beatdown by Goldust in the corner. Meanie manages to get his robe off, eats a clothesline and powders. Cole gets a line in about Lawler following Jesse Ventura's lead starting a political career and running for mayor of Memphis. That didn't go so well for Lawler as it turned out. He'd have to settle for the unelected position of King of Memphis for life instead. Goldust gives Meanie a minute, then drags him by in by the hair. Back in Meanie lays some kicks onto Goldust's knee. He hooks on a spinning toe hold with some extremely disturbing hip gyrations. It almost looks like he's humping Goldust's leg. Goldust pushes out with his foot, gives Meanie a wedgie and spanks him. There's an internet forum somewhere where this just became their favorite match ever. Goldust sets up for Shattered Dreams but Meanie gets a boot up on the charge. He goes up top and the moonsault misses. Goldust hits the Curtain Call and gets the pin. Afterward he hits Shattered Dreams to send the crowd to the next match happy. Crap, but amusing crap. The Goldust/Meanie saga would continue after this in the most bizarre, insane way possible. 3/4*

 

Vacant WWF Hardcore Championship: Bob Holly def Al Snow (w/Head) in 10:02- Road Dogg was forced to vacate the title after being attacked backstage the previous night on Saturday Raw. Guess he wasn't hardcore enough. A theory backed up by the fact he'd never win the Hardcore title again. I can't remember if they were covering a real injury or not. This is an intra-JOB Squad battle, leader Snow against member Holly. We get a jump start and Holly gets tossed out. Snow gets a chair and whacks Holly in the head with it. They go over the barricade and into the crowd. Cole mentions that Holly is trying to get the "stink" of Sparky Plugg off his career. A shoot comment if I ever heard one. A fire extinguisher enters the match and both guys get sprayed with it as they work to the backstage area. Snow gets tossed into some storage crates. Holly takes a shot from a pay phone. A trash can gets tossed around and Holly breaks some floor tiles over Snow's head. They head outside, where commentary says it's about 30 degrees. Memphis in February, believable. Snow finds a row of mops and breaks several over Holly. The start of a beautiful relationship for Snow. He covers Holly for 2. They go by the WWF truck, which has WWF's AOL Keyword on it. Oh man that takes me back. Snow hits some kidney punches and a no parking sign goes down. Holly whacks Snow with the sign and covers for 2. They go across the street and Holly is run into the giant concrete wall that's around the arena. Snow gets tossed through a chain link fence. A traffic barricade gets broken. Snow chokes Holly with some wire hanging off the fence. Holly whacks Snow with a standing stop sign as they work their way to the bank of the Mississippi River. Holly gets a wheelbarrow out. Snow gets Holly into it but it quickly tips over and they forget about whatever they were planning to do with it. Both guys go in the river! Brawl in the water! Snow gets out and walks back up the bank. Holly nails him in the back with a wood plank for 2. Both guys try to unroll some chain link fencing that's laying on the ground. Snow hits some more kidney punches. Holly kicks Snow onto the chain link. He wraps Snow up in a chain link burrito! Snow can't get free and Holly gets the pin and the title! This would be the start of Holly's career revival as a take no shit give no shits ass kicker and one of the standouts of the hardcore division, eventually taking the name Hardcore Holly. The match was fun hardcore stuff, but went on a bit too long for what they were doing, the last part drug a bit. **1/2

We get footage from earlier tonight of the Undertaker, now fully transformed into a satanic cult leader, pumping up his Ministry of Darkness troops. The group has swelled considerably and now includes manager Paul Bearer, the Acolytes (Faarooq and Bradshaw), the Brood (Gangrel, Edge and Christian), Viscera (formerly Mabel) and Mideon (formerly, among others, Phineas Godwinn).

 

The Big Boss Man def Mideon in 6:20- This is a Ministry of Darkness vs Corporation battle. Mideon's thing is he carries an eyeball in a formaldehyde jar to the ring. He places it on the commentary table and asks Lawler to look after it. Basic start with Boss Man hitting a shoulderblock and he does pretty much all he's capable of now, throwing a ton of punches. Mideon reverses a corner whip and hits a corner clothesline, then takes his turn to pound away with punches. Boss Man low blows him and tosses him out. He gets a chair. Mideon ducks the shot and Boss Man whacks the ring post. Mideon bites Boss Man's fingers! Boss Man snaps Mideon over the top rope getting back in and puts on a kind of face smother. Again Mideon reverses a whip and hits a corner clothesline. Scintillating. Now he bites Boss Man's face. Boss Man counters with more punchy and face rakey stuff. He hits an avalanche and puts on a full nelson. Mideon does a standing switch and hits a pretty bad German suplex for 2. Hey, a wrestling move! Give them a bonus. Mideon backdrops out of a piledriver. Double clothesline. After some more sloppy back and forth Mideon runs into the Boss Man Slam and that gets the pin. A terrible match that leads to an even worse match at Wrestlemania, as you'll see below. 1/4*

The Ministry come out and surround the ring. Undertaker's Dong hits. While the arena is still dark for Taker's entrance the Ministry jump Boss Man in the ring. Viscera squashes him with a trio of big splashes, and the Ministry haul his carcass away. Trust me, this leads nowhere good.

 

WWF Tag Team Championship: Jeff Jarrett and Owen Hart (c) (w/Debra) def D'Lo Brown and "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry (w/Ivory) in 9:34- The odd pairing of Jarrett and Owen took the tag titles from the Corporation team of Boss Man and Ken Shamrock on Raw the week after the Rumble. Ladies' man Henry gives Ivory some roses and chocolate for Valentine's Day before the match. Owen and Henry start. Owen slaps the big man. Henry shoves him into the corner and goes to work. Big clothesline from Henry. Owen slips away and hits a really sloppy bulldog on Brown. Brown gets a powerslam on Jarrett for 2. Henry comes in with a double clothesline. Debra gets on the apron to try to distract Henry. Ivory redirects him back to her. Brown pushes Owen off the apron but walks into a Jarrett armbar slam. The champs work some double teams as the crowd gives Owen some "nugget" chants. Owen spinebuster/Jarrett fistdrop off the second rope double team for 2. The champs keep up the teamwork to keep Brown in peril. Brown hits a counter suplex on Owen. Owen nails him with the enzuguri for 2. Champs double back elbow for 2. After a chinlock and arm drops Owen blind tags in and hits a spinning heel kick for 2. Henry gets lured in to choke Brown in the corner. Brown hits a desperation crossbody on Owen for 2 but again the champs stay in control. Owen goes for mounted punches. Brown counters into a powerbomb. Both sides tag and Henry runs wild. He tries to avalanche squash both champs but they get out in time. Brown hits spinning heel kicks on everyone. Sky High spinebuster on Jarrett for 2. Brown goes up top for the frog splash. Debra distracts him by flashing some cleavage. No man in their right mind wants that from her. Ivory comes over to pull Debra back. Brown separates them from fighting. While that's happening Owen nails Henry in the knee with Jarrett's guitar for the mandatory Jarrett match guitar shot. Jarrett puts on the figure four and Henry taps out. Afterwards Ivory and Debra have a clothes ripping fight to by far the biggest crowd reaction of the whole match. That was a prime example of a match that existed. *3/4

 

WWF Intercontinental Championship: Val Venus (w/Ryan Shamrock) def Ken Shamrock (c) in 15:52- Ready for some serious Russo? OK. Shamrock's (kayfabe only) sister Ryan debuted in the crowd on a Raw before the Rumble and was promptly mooned by Billy Gunn to set up the Rumble IC title match. At the same time, Venus took a shine to Ryan because she's a woman. Only qualification he ever needed. Before long, Ryan and Venus were doing Venus' movies together and maybe some off camera boinking too. That set the helicopter brother Shamrock off good and proper, and here we are. Billy Gunn is special guest reffing this match. Now, there's no denying Ryan is easy on the eyes. Absolutely. But she can't act. At all. By this point they were already giving her bare minimum to do, which included no talking whatsoever. Shamrock charges in during his entrance and it's on. Venus hits a stiff clothesline to the back of Shamrock's head, followed by corner chops and corner clotheslines. Shamrock plants Venus with a high kick to take control. The match slows down with Shamrock staying in control quite a while. He hits some elbows with Venus laying on the apron from the floor. Gunn hops out to get him back in and they argue. Ryan tries to look concerned for Venus. The key word is "tries". The Shamrock beatdown continues a bit longer until Venus blocks a suplex and hits his own delayed suplex. Inverted atomic drop. Venus hits a pair of elbows and covers. Gunn is slow to start counting and Shamrock kicks out. Double underhook suplex from Venus. A Shamrock flurry is cut off with an eye rake. Venus hits a backbreaker and stretches Shamrock out on his knee. Lawler gets Cole to break out laughing by asking if he thinks Venus got Ryan in that position. Venus runs Shamrock's back into the post. Back in he puts on a camel clutch. Shamrock gets free and starts swinging. He gets stopped with another eye rake. Venus hooks on a chinlock and tells Gunn "Ask him!". Gunn responds "Ask what?". Cover and again Gunn is slow on the draw. Venus hits a hot shot. Shamrock counters a backdrop and hits a DDT. He has Venus down but Gunn won't count 3. Venus hooks on a sleeper. Shamrock back suplexes out. Powerslam for 2. Forearm exchange. Venus hits a perfectplex for 2. Shamrock magistral cradle for 2. Venus hits knees against the ropes, a Russian leg sweep, and poses over Shamrock. He goes up top for the Money Shot. Shamrock gets up and slams him off. Spinning heel kick. Hurricanrana. Belly to belly slam. The ankle lock is on! Ryan helps Venus get to the ropes. Shamrock goes out and yells at her, then clearly, loudly and on camera tells her "Slap me". She does. An all time classic Botchamania moment there. I had to pause the video it made me laugh so hard all over again. Shamrock gets in a shoving match with Gunn and Gunn punches him. Back in Venus rolls up a small package, and Gunn super quick counts 3 to give Venus the title. Shamrock's title reign ends at 125 days, which will be the last 100+ day IC title reign for nearly 5 years. After the bell Gunn and Shamrock fight in the aisle, then for good measure Gunn gets in the ring and lays Venus out too. The match started promising but quickly bogged down into mediocrity. I don't get what Gunn reffing was supposed to accomplish either, especially with him refusing to count right for either guy, it just messed the match up more. **

 

Kane and Chyna def Triple H and WWF European Champion X-Pac in 14:45- Chyna turned heel on Triple H, and by extension all of DX, just after the Rumble to fill Russo's monthly turn quota, then joined the Corporation. Though to be fair they did seed it in months earlier when Chyna told a fracturing DX that if the group was going to break up, she was going to be the one to set it in motion. An added layer to this was thanks to the internet it was pretty much known in fandom that HHH and Chyna were an item in real life. Kane's unwillingly part of the Corporation because Vince has threatened to send him to an insane asylum if he left. Don't ask, it's Russo. The crowd is hot for DX. Trips gives what I'm pretty sure is the first full "ARE YOU READY" spiel on PPV. Chyna comes out to No Chance in Hell. HHH reveals to her he's wearing a Chyna shirt, then tears it up. Shane wanders out and joins commentary as the match starts. HHH and Kane start with some solid back and forth. Pac tags in and tries a kick flurry. Kane tosses him in the corner. I don't know what the hell Shane's on but he sounds like he's been in Hunter Biden's White House stash and he needs to turn it down about 10 notches. It's ridiculous. Seriously in worst commentary I've ever heard territory. Chyna wants a tag in and Kane obliges. She runs Pac over with a shoulderblock. Pac pushes her into the corner. Chyna avoids the bronco buster. Kane tags back in and Pac tries to chop him down. DX double team him. Chyna hits HHH from the apron. He turns to grab her and Kane nails him from behind. Clothesline off the top from Kane. Chyna tags in and hits HHH with a forearm. They fight for suplex leverage. HHH gets Chyna up but she slips away. She slams HHH! An elbow drop misses and tag to Pac. Pac dodges a Kane splash in the corner. DX double suplex Kane. Chyna goes up top. HHH tries to slam her off but Kane catches her. DX double DDT and double 360 clothesline on Kane. Kane and Pac fight on the floor. Pac takes Shane out! Thank God. Back in Kane catches Pac trying to hit a spinning heel kick and slams him. And Shane's back on. Well that was a short but blissful respite. Chyna hits a running powerslam on Pac for 2. HHH gets knocked off the apron and Chyna crotches Pac on the top rope. Kane clothesline him off and Chyna covers for 2. Chyna with a sleeper! After arm drops Pac back suplexes out. Tag to HHH. He ducks a Chyna shot and hits a clothesline. Kane gets fought off and HHH punches Chyna! She wanted to be treated just like one of the guys. Kane gets backdropped to the floor. Chyna hits some forearms. HHH nails her with the high knee. Kane pulls the top rope down and HHH falls to the floor. Chyna falls down in the corner and Pac gives her the bronco buster. Shane comes in and hits Pac, runs and gets Pac to chase him. HHH hits Chyna with the facebuster. He hooks up for the Pedigree. Kane comes in, chokeslams him, drags Chyna on top and that gets the pin. Good stuff, with Chyna looking like she belonged with the guys every step of the way. I'm knocking a little off the final rating because Shane's commentary was so bad it hurt the match. A rare hit, but a deserved one. **3/4

 

Before we get into the WWF Title match, a brief recap of how we got here. In the immortal words of Inigo Montoya, "Let me explain....no, there is too much. Let me sum up". After a fall full of controversial title matches between Steve Austin, the Undertaker and Kane, the Rock defeated Mankind for the vacant title in a tournament final at Survivor Series with help from his new Corporation teammates. Mankind then defeated Rock on the first Raw of '99 for his first world title in one of wrestling's all time great feel good moments, the one WCW infamously spoiled on Nitro and backfired on them hard with people switching over to watch it happen. Mick Foley did, in fact, put butts in seats. Rock won the title back at the Royal Rumble in an I Quit match thanks to recording shenanigans, then Mankind again took it back on the Halftime Heat special during halftime of the Super Bowl in an Empty Arena Falls Count Anywhere match with the help of a forklift. Now, after all that, they're having their last PPV match and checking off another box in Gimmick Match Bingo. Notice I didn't say last match. Just last PPV match.

Yes, that was the short version.

 

Last Man Standing Match for the WWF Championship: Mankind (c) and The Rock draw in 21:54- Rock gets a definite pop on his entrance. The turn at Survivor Series stalled out his cheers, but they're not going to hold them back forever. Rock's in casual attire again for the gimmick match. After the bell Mankind turns and puts his hands behind his back, emulating Rock handcuffing him in the I Quit match, and lets Rock take the first shot. And more. Now we get a "Rocky sucks" chant. Rock attacks the knee that he hurt earlier in the night on Heat. Mankind says enough is enough and whacks Rock with the title belt that Mankind conveniently left in his corner. Rock gets pounded to the floor and takes a walk up the aisle. Mankind runs him over with a clothesline from behind. Rock gets run into the steel structures used to make up the entrance stage, then reverses a whip and the back of Mankind's head whacks the same steel. They brawl onto a tech table. Mankind DDTs Rock through the table! Rock is up at 8. They fight into a weird small section of empty seats that seem completely out of place. Rock back suplexes Mankind on the concrete! Light Foley bump. They work back toward the ring and Rock gets run into the steps. Back in the ring Mankind slams Rock, looks, and kicks Rock's arms in. Mankind goes for the elbow! Rock dodges! They go back outside and Rock suplexes Mankind three times on the floor. Rock tells Hebner to count, then goes over and kicks Cole out of commentary. Rock says a monkey took a crap and out came Mankind. Mankind cannonball over the table! He pounds Rock down and drapes him over the table. Cactus Elbow onto Rock! Mankind gets a set of steps in the ring. He goes to hit Rock with them but Rock kicks them back in his face. Rock gets a chair and goes to town on Mankind's hurt knee. Mankind dodges a wild swing. The chair bounces off the rope into Rock's face! Cactus Clothesline! Swinging neckbreaker on the floor. They get up on the English announce table. Rock backdrops out of a piledriver. Mankind's head hits the announce table, and his knee hits the timekeeper's table! Rock gets in the ring, gets the steps in there, and straight drops them down onto Mankind on the floor! SHIT. Foley took that on his hip and thigh so it wouldn't do any real damage (hopefully) but damn that had to have hurt for real. Mankind is still up well before 10. Slam. Elbow pad off. Corporate Elbow! Rock calls for a mic. He says this is the Rock's gift to Memphis and starts singing! There is no way in hell they can keep this guy a heel for much longer. While he's singing Mankind puts on the Mandible Claw! Classic Socko-less version. Hebner also gets knocked out of the ring. Rock goes out, but Hebner is out on the floor so there's no one to count. Rock comes to and low blows Mankind. DDT. Mankind ducks a chairshot. Double underhook DDT onto the chair! Rock is up at 9. Socko is out. Claw! Another low blow. Mankind puts the Claw right back on! Rock counters with a Rock Bottom! Both are up at 8. They both have chairs. Both swing and double chairshot to the head! Both guys are down. Absolutely fantastic sell from both of them on that. They're both out, and Hebner gets to 10 with no one getting up! It's a draw! The crowd chants "bullshit", but if you're going to draw in a match like this, that was the perfect way to do it. Both guys are stretchered out into a pair of waiting ambulances. It's not quite on the level of the I Quit match at the Rumble, but it almost got there. ***3/4

Because of the draw they'd have one last match to settle it all the next night on Raw, and in a continuation of their cycling through gimmick matches it'd be a Ladder Match. Rock would win that to become a 3 time champion in barely 4 months, and move onto his Wrestlemania program with....

This next match is intended to be the final blowoff in the Austin/McMahon feud. I know, I doubt anyone believed it then either. Regardless, it is the end of the feud's peak. After winning the Rumble Vince voluntarily gave up the WM title shot that came with it. Commissioner Shawn Michaels swooped right in and said fine, that means the title shot goes to....Steve Austin. Vince was predictably furious and goaded Austin into putting his title shot on the line in a steel cage match. He's even gone so far to say there will be no interference from any Corporation members, and if any members of the group do interfere they'll be fired. Once again it's the old blue bar steel cage painted black, and they even do the traditional setup instead of lowering it down. They've gotten a lot better as the cage is up and we're ready to go in record time.

 

Steel Cage Match to Challenge for the WWF Championship at Wrestlemania XV: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin def Mr. McMahon in 7:52- It's traditional escape only rules for this one. Austin comes out first and gets right in the cage. Vince stalls like hell, teasing then ducking out at the last second. Eventually Austin says fine and leaves to chase him. Since Vince didn't get in the ring the match hasn't started yet. Vince runs around, gets in and blocks the door to keep Austin out. Austin tries to climb and Vince blocks him. Austin slips off the cage and appears to hurt his knee on the landing. Vince comes out. Austin pops up and clotheslines him! All a ruse. Damn Austin did that great, it really did look like he might have hurt his knee on the landing. People remember Austin the talker but seem to forget he was one of the best and most well rounded wrestlers in every aspect of the game there ever was. Austin takes his time knocking Vince all around the ringside area. Vince goes into the crowd and Austin chases for an in-crowd brawl. After some more ringside knocking around Vince tries to climb the cage just to get away and Austin pulls him back down! He's having too much fun to end it. They both start climbing the cage. Austin hits Vince's head on the top of the cage, and Vince falls back all the way down and through the Spanish announce table! Austin gets in the ring while a stretcher comes out for Vince. Fink gets in the ring and starts to declare Austin the winner. Austin cuts him off and takes the mic! "That's bullshit" (unbleeped). He says he promised an ass whooping, and if Vince thinks he can get out of it like that, UH UH!. "You, in the black. That son of a bitch still breathing?". Austin climbs out, commandeers the stretcher, and wheels Vince into the cage! Backboard shots! Austin drags Vince into the cage, and after over 10 minutes of extracurriculars the bell rings to officially start the match. Austin enjoys a few minutes of beating Vince down some more, then calls for the door. As he's on the steps going down Vince flips him off! Austin turns around and goes back in. Mudhole stomp. Vince hits a low blow! He throws Austin into the cage! Vince climbs and gets over before Austin stops him and flips him back in. Another cage shot. Austin slow climbs, says nah and gets back down. Vince is busted open. Into the cage again. Austin climbs, goes over, and is almost all the way down. Vince gives him a double bird! Again Austin turns around and gets right back in. More cage shots. Austin sets up. Kick wham Stunner! He lays down to jaw at Vince. Someone pops up through the ring mat! IT'S THE GIANT! THE GIANT IS HERE! Sorry, Paul Wight, as Cole calls him for now. For once WCW has the copyright edge. Wight takes out Austin and helps Vince up. Now Vince jaws at Austin. Wight lifts Austin up and tosses him into the cage. That section of the cage comes loose! It swings over the floor with Austin hanging on. Austin lets go and falls to the floor to win! Great ending that made sure Wight still looked good in his debut. Vince is beside himself. Wight just stares Austin down. Austin is going to Wrestlemania to take on the Rock for the title! As horrible as the Rumble match booked around these two was, this was *so* much better. A damn brilliant piece of business in fact that was fun from start to finish. Gotta give tons of credit to Vince as he worked this match perfectly, proving that with the right partner in the right circumstances he could go out there and put on something good. ***3/4

OVERALL SHOW THOUGHTS: Most of it is your typical lackadaisical Attitude Era B PPV, but those last two matches are plenty good enough to push it up into watchable territory. Definitely recommend both of them, especially if you're going through the full sagas of the people involved.

OVERALL SHOW GRADE: C

Clash of the Champions XXXIV

Legacy Review

Clash of the Champions XXXIV

January 21, 1997 from the MECCA in Milwaukee, WI

Commentary: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan and Dusty Rhodes

We're entering the final year of the Clashes, this would be the next to last installment of the long running show. We're just days away from the first ever NWO-branded PPV, Souled Out. And we're also just days away from Super Bowl XXXI, which will feature the hometown (close enough) Green Bay Packers appearing in their first Super Bowl since the Vince Lombardi/Bart Starr days. Because of that the crowd is full of slightly amped up Packers fans that might have already dipped into a fair bit of Milwaukee's Finest before the show started.

The first match mentioned in the opening video is a classic case of "card subject to change". That's a LOT of pyro just for a Clash. I wonder if those Cheeseheads are flame retardant?

WCW Cruiserweight Championship: Dean Malenko def Ultimo Dragon (c) (w/Sonny Onoo) in 15:07- Dragon defeated Malenko at Starrcade to add the WCW Cruiserweight belt to the J-Crown, then lost the J-Crown to Jushin Liger at Wrestling World '97 (the name of the January 4th Tokyo Dome show then), but for some reason the WCW belt wasn't considered part of the J-Crown for that match and Dragon held onto it. Probably an agreement with WCW so they didn't lose control of it. Mike Tenay is in for this one. The crowd is firmly behind Malenko, with blue collar Wisconsin wanting nothing to do with Dragon or Onoo. The fancy pirouette ref Mark Curtis does when showing the belt to the crowd is something else. Basic, crisp back and forth to start and we quickly go to commercial. During that there's an ad for the brand new NWO hotline. Everyone's getting a damn hotline. "Kids, get your parents' permission, OR ELSE". So much for being rebels. We're back with a stalemate and reset in the ring. Tony and Tenay talk a bit about Dragon's J-Crown loss but dance around why the WCW belt wasn't included with it. The match breaks down into a brawl for a minute. Malenko hits a suplex and wraps up a headscissors. Dragon escapes, plants a stiff kick on Malenko's back and follows up with a flurry of kicks. Malenko powders and stretches his back out. As soon as he steps back in Dragon is all over him. Malenko fires back and hits a back suplex. He hooks on a legbar and does some knee work. Dragon rope breaks out of a half crab. Malenko hits a kneebreaker and puts on a good old stump puller! Hold #417. Always like to see someone break out the stump puller. They trade shots with Malenko getting the edge with back elbows. He dumps Dragon to the floor and kicks his leg against the guardrail. Back in Malenko hooks in a figure four! Dragon tries to lift Malenko's leg to power out but can't. After a bit Malenko lets go to dish out more punishment. Huge corner clothesline. Dragon responds with a spinning heel kick. One nitpick, all the knee work is totally forgotten about. Malenko hits a superplex and gets a flash cradle for 2. Standing switches, Malenko goes for a powerbomb, but Dragon rolls him over into a cradle for 2. A Dragon springboard dropkick sends Malenko to the floor. Malenko sidesteps a plancha. Dragon reverses a whip on the floor and Malenko goes into the guardrail. Asai moonsault! Back in Dragon hits a brain buster. The moonsault hits! Malenko kicks out! Dragon sets Malenko up top. Hurricanrana! But he can't cover. Malenko blocks the tiger suplex, which is what Dragon beat him with at Starrcade. He goes for the cloverleaf but Dragon small packages him for 2. Dragon flips out of another powerbomb attempt. Malenko congratulates him on his agility by running him through with a clothesline. Double underhook powerbomb. Malenko starts to hook the cloverleaf on but Onoo gets on the apron. Malenko punches him right back off. The cloverleaf is on! Dragon taps and Malenko wins the title back! Another fantastic match between these two. The cruiserweight division is dominating the rest of the company in terms of consistent match quality. No wonder Hogan doesn't want them anywhere near him. ****1/4

 

Scotty Riggs def Mike Enos in 2:26- Riggs' American Males tag partner Marcus Alexander Bagwell recently turned heel on him, joined the NWO and said from now on he wants to be known as Buff Bagwell. A meathead name for wrestling's ultimate meathead. They have a grudge match scheduled at Souled Out. Enos is formerly of the semi-famous tag teams the Wrecking Crew in AWA and the Beverly Brothers in WWF. He's little more than a jobber now. As we come in from commercials both guys are already in the ring and taking turns to argue with the ref for some reason. Enos jumps Riggs from behind but Riggs quickly turns the tables and whips Enos over the top to the floor. Plancha! Riggs gets whipped into the apron, then Enos steps on him to get back in the ring. Clothesline off the apron from Enos. Riggs backdrops Enos on the floor. Back in Enos hits a belly to belly suplex. Riggs nails a flying forearm, and that gets the pin. Can't fault the effort. *3/4

Another paid promotion from the NWO during commercials, this time for the Souled Out t-shirt. DiBiase's money must be running out. After that Mean Gene brings out the Four Horsemen. Well, three, Flair's still out with an injury. Okerlund mentions they recently had a "summit meeting" to work their differences out. The crowd wants nothing to do with Benoit's (pretty bad) promo, instead chanting "We want Flair", then "Bears suck" at Mongo. Guess that last year he spent with the Packers didn't get him any points. After Arn says a few words Mongo gets the mic and gets booed out. Which naturally doesn't stop him. Then Okerlund offers Debra the mic, and in typical Debra fashion she says she has nothing to say, then proceeds to prattle on for another two minutes about absolutely nothing.

 

Chris Jericho, Chavo Guerrero Jr and Super Calo def Konnan, La Parka and Mr. JL in 5:27- Card subject to change. There's been two last second substitutions to this match: Parka is replacing an injured Psychosis, while Jericho is stepping in for Juventud Guerrera after Juvy no-showed. This is classic lucha trios rules, so tagging and selling are optional. Tenay is back in for this one. Chavo and JL start with a forearm exchange. Speed run and JL hits a diving back elbow. Chavo responds with a flying forearm and dropkicks. Both sides tag and Konnan and Calo do some lucha flippy stuff around the ring. Calo gets a hurricanrana and shotgun dropkicks Konnan back into his corner. More tags. Parka and Jericho run into each other full speed with no one moving. Big clothesline from Jericho. Parka gets a back kick. Jericho hits a dropkick off the second rope, sending Parka to the floor and kicking the match over from regular tag to lucha in and out craziness. Chavo gets worked over and double teamed by Konnan and Parka. Konnan lifts Chavo up and Parka hits a doomsday corkscrew cannonball. Chavo double crossbodys Parka and JL, and tags out to Jericho. Jericho hits a plancha on Konnan. Everybody dive! Jericho saves Parka from landing on the floor head first. After everyone's gone Heenan says hold his headset, he's diving too! JL and Jericho get back in the ring. JL hits a hurricanrana for 2. Side suplex. Jericho sets up top, hits a hurricanrana off the top on JL, and gets the pin. Fine luncha trios stuff. Not strictly my cup of tea but it's fun enough. ***

 

Harlem Heat (w/Sister Sherri) def The Renegade and Joe Gomez in 3:44- I'm as shocked as you are the Renegade is even still on the roster. At least he's lost the sub-Ultimate Warrior look. Not a whole lot to say about this match, it's a jobber squash through and through. Heat break out what I think was a relatively new finisher for them, the Heat Seeker, to end it. 1/2*

 

Masahiro Chono def Alex Wright in 4:30- Chono's swung over for a quick US run to become an official member of the NWO, which will lead to him creating NWO Japan in New Japan. Wright gets nothing from the crowd on his entrance. Maybe one high pitched scream up in the nosebleed seats, that's it. At least he's not bothering with the dancing anymore. Nick Patrick is reffing this match and wearing an NWO shirt and hat, all pretense gone. Chono jumps Wright before the bell. He lays his NWO shirt over the top turnbuckle in his corner. Wright fights back and gives Chono buckle shots on the shirt to boos. Then he kicks the shirt away to more boos. Wright flippydos into an enzuguri. Kid, stop posing to try to get the crowd on your side. It's not happening. Chono runs Wright over with a shoulderblock, then tells him about it. Wright hits a spinning heel kick, covers, and Patrick slow counts for 2. Chono hits an inverted atomic drop. Wright wraps up a small package. Patrick counts even slower. The Nick Patrick as an evil ref stuff was serviceable when he was still pretending to be a regular, down the middle ref, but now it's just tedious. The crowd thinks so too, throwing loads of go away heat on Patrick. Chono tosses Wright over the top to the floor, which in theory is Patrick ignoring an obvious DQ if WCW didn't ignore that rule 90% of the time anyway. Wright hits a sunset flip off the top for 2. Patrick somehow is even slower. Wright kicks him in the shin, which accomplishes the near impossible, the crowd is almost on his side now. Almost. Chono dodges another dive off the top, hits the Yakuza kick, and it's over. Whatever. 3/4*

 

WCW United States Heavyweight Champion Eddie Guerrero def Scott Norton in 5:36- After just finishing up an angle where the Giant stole the US Title belt from Ric Flair and carried it around like it was his, which continued after Flair's injury, we are now in an angle where Syxx has stolen the US Title belt from Eddie and is walking around like it's his. How original. Eddie and Syxx have a ladder match scheduled for Souled Out. Norton has recently joined the NWO which means, joy of joys, we get Nick Patrick reffing this match as well. Eddie gives Patrick a friendly pat on the bum while he's checking Norton. Patrick threatens to DQ Eddie before he even rings the bell to start the match. Norton shows the obvious power advantage early, tossing Eddie around. He hits an avalanche and press slam. Eddie goes into dodge mode, hits a couple of low dropkicks to the knee, and goes to work on it. Chops from Eddie are no sold. A chop from Norton is very much sold. Norton shrugs off a pop up dropkick and hits a clothesline. He lifts Eddie up for a delayed suplex, holds him up with one arm, and just drops him. Powerslam. Powerbomb. Norton goes up to the second rope. Eddie dropkicks him, fights up, and hits a hurricanrana that Norton just about manages to sell. Norton dodges a swanton off the top and hits another big clothesline. Collision in the ring and Patrick goes down. DDP makes his way in through the crowd, wearing a Packers shirt the panderer. Diamond Cutter on Norton! To a huge pop too. This anti-NWO feud is in serious danger of making DDP super popular. Eddie goes up, hits the frog splash, and Patrick has no choice but to slow count three because Norton's taken two finishers and he's legally dead. Meh. *

 

Falls Count Anywhere: Chris Benoit (w/Woman) def Kevin Sullivan (w/Jimmy Hart) in 5:04- This endless feud continues, even after crossing over into real life for everyone involved. This is the second Falls Count Anywhere match these two have had on a major show. The first one at Great American Bash '96 was actually pretty good and helped lay some early groundwork for the match style. Most of the action in that match took place in a bathroom so you can be pretty sure that'll be referenced here. Sullivan calls Benoit out of the ring and they slug it out on the floor. Sullivan gets tossed over the rail, we go up the steps, and into, guess what....A BATHROOM! Called it. By the way, that familiar looking not Doug Dellinger guy that's doing some of the security work for this match? That's Bobby Eaton. A paper towel dispenser gets killed with Benoit's head. A thrown trash can takes Hart out. Sullivan's head kills the other towel dispenser. Better not put one of those hand dryers in to replace them. Those things suck, and are *way* more unhygienic. Poor ref Randy Anderson ends up on the floor with at least a foot in one of the floor urinals. Burn that shoe. Sullivan hits a short clothesline in the bathroom for 2. Benoit gets run into a wall radiator. They go out and work their way back into the crowd. Some guy in Sting facepaint does a hell of a job of framing his face perfectly on camera. Benoit gets rolled down the stairs. They get in the ring and Benoit gets hung in the tree of woe. Sullivan hits the running knee and double stomp. Benoit kicks out! Hart gets on the apron and Sullivan tries to get the megaphone. Anderson tries to stop it even though it's no DQ. While that's happening, Woman gets a wooden chair from under the ring, gets in, and whacks Sullivan! Benoit falls on Sullivan and gets the pin. I can't help but notice Benoit fell with his crotch right in Sullivan's face. I'd lay odds that was deliberate. As I said, this feud turned into real life bad blood between these two. After the bell Benoit gets another wooden chair and nails Sullivan with it for funsies. Pretty much a condensed version of their GAB match with a slightly different finish and no attempt to innovate any. Not that they had much time to. **

 

The Steiner Brothers def The Amazing French Canadians (w/Col. Robert Parker) in 6:55- I'm sure this a Steiners/Quebecers rematch from some point in their respective WWF runs. The Steiners have a tag title shot against the Outsiders coming up at Souled Out. During their entrance a video message to them from Hall and Nash plays hyping the match up. The Frenchies jaw. The Steiners jump. Rick hits a Steinerline and the faces clear the ring. The heels jump them as they're getting back in the ring and toss them out. The Steiners sneak from behind up the top rope and ambush them. Commercial. Back with the Canadians double teaming Rick. Rick dodges their finisher but Jacques knocks Scott off the apron. Double Steinerline from Rick and hot tag to Scott. Scott tosses both Canadians around. Jacques tries to get a shot with their flag but Scott cuts that off. Rick hoists Oulette up, Scott hits a super avalanche DDT, and we're done here. Paint by numbers Steiners squash, who are already nowhere near what they were at the start of the decade as time and injuries continue to pile up. *1/4

 

"The Total Package" Lex Luger def WCW World Tag Team Champion Scott Hall (w/Kevin Nash and Syxx) by DQ in 10:29- As mentioned earlier, Syxx has Eddie Guerrero's US Title belt. Not much of a pop for Luger as the crowd has been fairly pro-NWO all night. Hall does some mocking and gives Luger some extra zip on the toothpick flick. Lockup and Luger shows, to the shock of no one, that he's stronger. Hall back suplexes out of a headlock. Luger no sells it and flexes. Hall gets a boot up in the corner and hits a bulldog for 2. ARMBAR. Luger clotheslines out. They trade hiptoss block reversals. Hall turns it around to hit a chokeslam. Luger dodges the follow up elbow drop. Hall tights pulls Luger to the floor. Luger cuts Syxx off with a clothesline, but gets taken out by Nash. He barely beats the count back in. Hall beats him down in the corner. Nash distracts the ref so Syxx can hit Luger with a clothesline. Hall tries a feet on the ropes pin for 2. Nash gets another shot in. Hall fallaway slam for 2. Abdominal stretch with rope leverage help. And Syxx leverage help. Luger hiptosses out but misses an elbow drop. Hall plants Luger with a discus punch and mocks him with slaps. Luger reverses a corner whip, slides under, and crotches Hall on the post. He hits a sort of dropkick leaping over the top rope. That was different. An atomic drop sends Hall into the corner, then Luger hits not one, not two, but three inverted atomic drops. Someone's going to need an icepack after this match. Hall tries an eye poke for space but Luger hits him with a powerslam. He calls for the Torture Rack, which has been built up into a superfinisher of instant death in recent months. Nash and Syxx both try to get in and are taken out. The Rack is on! Nash is in again. Luger gives him the steel forearm of doom. But I guess the steel's rusted because Nash is right back up. Luger tries to fight both Outsiders off, then Syxx comes in with a shot to draw the DQ. OKish. **1/4

The fight continues after the bell. The Steiners run in and all six guys fight, stop, fight again, stop, fight again and end show.

OVERALL SHOW THOUGHTS- It started out great with the best match on a Clash in years, though it's just one of many great Malenko/Dragon matches, rebounded a bit with some harmless trios lucha fun, then collapsed back into the C-show level the Clash has become the last few years. All the important stuff happens on Nitro now. Thankfully there's only one Clash left and then we can put this old dog out of his misery.

OVERALL SHOW GRADE: D+

Royal Rumble '99

Legacy Review

Royal Rumble '99

January 24, 1999 from The Pond in Anaheim, CA

Commentary: Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler

The tagline for this show is "No Chance in Hell", because Vince told Austin he has no chance in hell at ever being WWF Champion again. The theme song for the show is the same No Chance in Hell that would later become Vince's theme. In keeping with the usual Corporate shenanigans of the time, Vince and co. screwed Austin over by making sure that Austin "drew" the #1 spot in the Rumble. Then to stack the deck even further, Vincent K. McMahon himself decided to enter the match. At first he tried to slot himself in at #30, but Commissioner Shawn Michaels forced him to be #2 instead. If that weren't enough, Vince has also put up a $100,000 bounty for whoever eliminates Austin from the Rumble.

The Big Boss Man def WWF Hardcore Champion Road Dogg in 11:52- The New Age Outlaws and the Corporation team of Boss Man and Ken Shamrock have been butting heads for a while. First Shamrock and Boss Man won the tag titles from the NAO, titles they still have for this show, then Road Dogg took the Hardcore title from Boss Man. The Outlaws haven't split up, but they're going into the phase where they're both pursuing singles opportunities, or to put it another way Billy Gunn's failed singles push is getting underway. Boss Man wants to hit the ropes a few times after the bell. Apparently he didn't warm up before the match. Dogg gives him a crotch chop in response. Lockup and Boss Man immediately shoves Dogg out. They stall for a minute to let a "Boss Man sucks" chant go. Dogg ducks a shot, hits a punch and dances. Boss Man gets some corner shots followed by an avalanche. Boss Man shouts "Where's it at, biatch?" and gives Dogg a mocking crotch chop. Dogg dodges another avalanche, bounces Boss Man's crotch on the top rope and hits mounted punches. After a blocked inverted atomic drop and dropkick Boss Man is pissed. He grabs his nightstick and Dogg bails. He drags Boss Man down and crotches him on the post. A Boss Man back elbow sends Dogg tumbling back out to the floor. Another corner beatdown by Boss Man, followed by a big boot. He slaps on a bear hug because this match sure needed to breathe some more. Dogg bites out. Yet more corner beatdown from Boss Man. He goes to take a top turnbuckle pad off that doesn't come into play again the rest of the match. Spinebuster for 2. Dogg tries to hulk up off punches but Boss Man gets him down again. Dogg ducks and slaps on a sleeper. Boss Man eye rakes out and hits a backbreaker. He goes up top but Dogg slams him back down. Slugfest. Dogg gets his dancing jabs in. Flying forearm and kneedrop for 2. Dogg comes off the ropes but runs into the Boss Man Slam! That gets the pin. *1/4

 

WWF Intercontinental Championship: Ken Shamrock (c) def "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn in 14:23- Yup, Shamrock's a double champion. To go along with his singles push Gunn is in the slow transformation from Bad Ass to Mr. Ass. I regret to inform you Shamrock's (kayfabe fake) sister has arrived. Gunn mooned her on Raw to set this up, with her selling it brilliantly by....laughing like she had no idea what was going on. Val Venus is also involved because she's a woman and there wasn't a woman in WWF he wasn't trying to bone. It's Russo. Funny side story, according to rumor Shamrock (who was married) and the woman playing his sister really did get intimate with each other almost immediately after she arrived. There's a setup for a porno. ANYWAY, Shamrock charges down the aisle and the fight is on. Gunn hits a flying clothesline and both guys exchange some ground and pound stuff. Shamrock hits kicks in the corner and a clothesline. Gunn responds with his own sloppy clothesline. Then Gunn slaps on a very early chinlock. Not a great sign. Delayed suplex from Gunn for 2. Shamrock dodges and Gunn posts his shoulder. Big kneelift from Shamrock, followed by chest kicks that Cole says "What a kick to the face!" for. Bit off there, Cole. Standing spinning heel kick from Shamrock for 2. Gunn counters a backdrop attempt with a fameasser. Still not his finisher. Gunn then copies Road Dogg with mounted punches. Shamrock low bridges Gunn to the floor. He gives Gunn knees against the barricade, then proceeds to slowly smack him against almost every available surface around the ring. Gunn pushes Shamrock off the apron into the Spanish announce table, which sadly does not collapse. Didn't even get a Savinovich bump out of it, and that man will sell anything. Back in Shamrock does a weird roll kick into Gunn's leg that almost looks like an accident. The hurt shoulder from earlier completely forgotten, Shamrock now targets the leg he hurt earlier in the build to set the ankle lock up. And then Shamrock puts on a front facelock for frak's sake. No idea why. Guess I'll blame Russo for that too. Gunn counters a knee to the gut into a roll up for 2. Shamrock hits a perfectplex for 2, then gets back on the bad leg. After some dodges ref Tim White takes a clothesline and goes down. Double clothesline and literally everyone in the ring is down. Here comes Val Venus. He plants Shamrock with a DDT. Gunn slooooooooooooooooooooooooowly crawls over, and White recovers to count. Shamrock kicks out! The crowd bit hard on that at least. Gunn strings some offense together to get rolling and goes up top. Shamrock dodges and Gunn lands on his hurt leg, hurting it even more. The ankle lock is on, Gunn taps and it's over. Dipping into the rumor mill again, apparently Gunn was supposed to win the title here to get his big singles push going, but arrived late to the arena and was re-booked to lose as punishment. Not the best start. The DX guys outside Trips and maybe Chyna were starting to get almost as unmanageable as Shawn Michaels was in earlier years at this point. The match was dull as hell. *1/2

 

WWF European Championship: X-Pac (c) def Gangrel in 5:53- Who's that bald headed bastard with a familiar face reffing this match? Why that's Teddy Long playa! Long had just signed with WWF to go back to his original WCW roots as a referee, and made his TV debut a few weeks prior on Raw. Basic start and Pac hits an armdrag. Another speed run and Pac spins into a side suplex, then follows up with a legdrop for 2. Huge corner kicks from Pac. Gangrel dodges in the corner and Pac crashes. Double underarm suplex from Gangrel. He drops Pac on the top rope with Pac doing a crazy almost 360 sell. Pac gets flopped down face first for 2. Gangrel goes up top for an elbow but Pac dodges. Spinning heel kick. Flying clothesline for 2. Another spinning heel kick. And for the 3rd straight match a DX member does basic, no frills mounted punches. The bronco buster hits. A THIRD spinning heel kick from Pac. Not a lot of effort has been put forth by any of the DX guys tonight, to my point at the end of the previous match. Pac goes up top and Gangrel crotches him. After a top rope fight Pac hits a crossbody, but Ganrel rolls through it. Long counts 3, but that wasn't supposed to be the finish so he keeps going like nothing happened. There's a small but noticeable "You fucked up" chant from a part of the crowd. In his defense he's been out of the reffing game for a while, but that was ugly. He could have at least waived it off harder, gone over and had a conversation with Fink or something. Powerslam from Gangrel for 2. He lifts Pac up, but Pac turns it into the X-Factor! That gets the pin. It's a Raw match, but they kept things moving a bit better than the last two. **

 

Strap Match for the WWF Women's Championship: Sable (c) def Luna Vachon in 4:43- I suspect this won't be saving the show. Just a hunch. Before the match Shane McMahon comes out. He'd been having a beef with Sable that would be completely forgotten about in a few weeks. Don't ask, it's Russo. Shane introduces Luna, then says Sable can't wrestle tonight due to a "chronic back injury" (attack by Luna on the Sunday Night Heat preshow). He calls Sable out to forfeit the title to Luna. Sable comes out holding her back, gets in the ring, takes the mic from Shane, and says "Ring the bell". A nonplussed Shane says "Have it your way" and leaves to join commentary. In a rarity for WWF this is traditional touch all four corners strap match rules. Sable gets quick straps whips in and pulls Luna into the post. Jeez, Luna's thong is.....no. No no no. No one wants or needs to see that. It's all typical strap match stuff. Lots of whipping and choking with both of them getting a couple of corners before being stopped. Luna does some token work on Sable's hurt back but nothing's really done with it. Sable still looks green as hell. In the end they do the usual strap match ending where Luna and Sable both touch three corners. After that they fight for leverage in the middle of the ring, where any sane referee would have said all momentum is lost and they need to start over. Shane gets up on the apron. While he's providing a convenient distraction a "fan" who'd been stalking Sable for weeks (Tori) hops the barricade and punches out Luna. Sable touches corner number four and gets the win. Nope, that did not save the show. DUD

 

I Quit Match for the WWF Championship: The Rock def Mankind (c) 21:47- The whole setup here is Mankind goaded Rock into a match he can't possibly win, because Mick Foley would never ever ever say "I quit" after everything he's been through in his career. The video package has some footage from Foley and Terry Funk's legendary deathmatches in Japan which is a nice touch. Rock tries to jump before the bell but Mankind is ready for him. He pounds Rock down in the corner and hits the running knee. Mankind takes the mic from Hebner but can't get it to work. After some back and forth Mankind hits the misdirection bulldog. Now the mic is working. "The Rock says you can kiss his ass". Mankind hits him with the mic! "The Rock is gonna kick your fat ass". Cactus Clothesline! Rock reverses a whip on the floor and Mankind goes HARD into the steps. Rock takes Cole's headset to provide his own beating narration. Before he gets very far Mankind clotheslines him from behind and Rock's draped over the announce table. Chairshot from Mankind. Back in Rock refuses to quit again so Mankind gives him more mic shots. Double underhook DDT! Socko is out and the Mandible Claw is on! Rock fades and goes out! Hebner tries to ask Rock if he quits, but Rock is completely unconscious and can't speak. Mankind takes the mic and says "I'm gonna split open that ridiculous eyebrow". They go back to the floor and into the crowd. Mankind tries a Cactus Clothesline over the barricade but Rock counters and flips Mankind onto the floor. Rock takes the bell, and bell hammer, and rings the bell on Mankind's head! With a little singing. They get up on the Spanish announce table. Rock sets up for a Rock Bottom. The table collapses! Oops. Neither guy's fault there, that was just table failure. Rock quickly checks on Foley to see if he's good, then gets the mic. "Up yours, Rock!". A water spit from Rock sets Mankind off. Running clothesline in the aisle. They work up to the stage area. Mankind gets run into a tech table. Rock hits a DDT on the floor! No quit from Mankind. Rock soaks in the crowd a bit, some of whom are legitimately chanting for him, then goes away to get.....a ladder! He tries to run Mankind over with the ladder but Mankind wins that collision. Mankind goes for a running elbow into the ladder but Rock gets out of the way and all Mankind gets is ladder. Rock sets the ladder up and climbs up into the first level of the arena. Mankind follows and they fight right on the edge. Rock teases falling. He low blows Mankind! Rock hops the rail, goes up the steps a bit for a head of steam, charges and knocks Mankind off! Mankind falls down into a stack of electrical equipment! Sparks explode out of the boxes like a Starfleet control panel during an attack (seriously, did Starfleet never hear of fuses). The arena lights even go out for a minute to sell it all. Shane comes out and tries to get Rock to stop, he's gone far enough. Rock thinks he hasn't gone nearly adequately far. Mankind starts to crawl away. Rock doesn't even ask him to quit, he just continues the beating. They get back to the ring. Mankind is bleeding a bit. Rock gets a pair of handcuffs and cuffs Mankind's hands behind his back. The beating really continues. Buckle shots from Rock. Mankind with a low blow! He kicks at Rock because that's all he can do. Rock goes down and Mankind bites him! Knee to the Corporate Jewels! Rock comes off the ropes with a clothesline. He goes out, gets a chair, and sets it on Mankind's face. Pad off. Corporate Elbow onto the chair! Rock gets the mic. "Go to hell, Rock". "Well if the Rock is going to hell, you go first!". Rock takes the chair and starts pummeling Mankind with chairshots to the head. Another ask. Mankind says "You'll have to kill me". Rock obliges with more chairshots to the head. Mankind wants more! Commentary is begging for Rock to stop as they work up the aisle with the chairshots continuing. Even Lawler. Rock hits a straight chairshot to the back of Mankind's head and it's getting seriously uncomfortable to watch even for me. Rock gets the mic and says he guarandamnteed that he would make Mankind quit. Now, what do you say? He puts the mic to Mankind's mouth but he's almost face down on the aisle with his hair covering his face so we can't see anything. After a moment Mankind saying "I QUIT! I QUIT!" comes over the speakers. It's pretty obvious what's going on but that's good enough for Hebner. Rock wins and take back the WWF Title, his second. Mankind "quitting" was, of course, an earlier promo being played over the speakers by the Corporation. After some in-ring celebrating Rock poses over Mankind's carcass. A stretcher comes out, but as usual Foley insists on walking out under his own power. One or two small hiccups aside this was a fantastic match, one of the most famous WWF/E I Quit matches ever, one of the most well known Rumble WWF Title matches ever, and the pinnacle of the Foley/Rock feud that polished Rock into a legitimate main event player. ****

 

Royal Rumble- 90 second intervals tonight, which is close to becoming the yearly standard. The prematch video package focuses on all the ways Vince has screwed Austin out of the title the past few months, starting with the Kane/Taker double pin at Breakdown in September. I don't think it could be more clear going in that this Rumble is Austin, Vince and 28 other guys that don't matter. It's never mentioned on TV because it's not story relevant and sports-like stats were the last thing Russo cared about, but Austin is also going for his third straight Rumble win, which would be both a consecutive and all time record.

1 & 2. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Mr. McMahon- No music for Vince on his entrance. He's not wearing a shirt and ever sucking up to the boss Lawler freaks out over how jacked he is. The bell rings and Austin slugs away. Mudhole stomp. Double finger and slam. Greco Roman Nut Stomp. Austin teases tossing Vince out already. He starts to run Vince over the ropes, then stops. They stand there kind of awkwardly for a minute before Austin hits a clothesline and the first countdown of the night begins.

3. Golga- He doesn't want to get in and get in the middle of the Austin/McMahon stuff. Austin gives Vince a Thesz press. Now Golga gets in and jumps Austin from behind. Austin reverses and quickly eliminates Golga. Vince slides out of the ring and into the crowd. Austin follows and they brawl their way up the arena.

4. Droz- No one on TV even sees who comes in because the cameras are focused on Austin and Vince fighting in the arena into a bathroom. The Corporation is there and jumps Austin! Back to the ring and Droz is just hanging out. The entire period.

5. Edge- He charges in to get things going again. Unfortunately all he has to work with is Droz. Commentary only cares about Austin anyway.

6. Gillberg- Gillberg is here! It's only been a few weeks since Duane Gill became Gillberg. He gets the full entrance with tiny sparklers held by the crew, barely working pyro, getting sprayed down by a fire extinguisher, and the hilarious piped in chants that WCW in no way whatsoever did for Goldberg don't you even suggest that. Gillberg's entrance is still one of the greatest ever. He gets in the ring, does his version of Golberg's pose, and Edge dumps him out! Perfect. We go back to the bathroom to see Austin laid out and the Corporation making haste out.

7. Steve Blackman- He jumps on Droz but never mind that shit, a stretcher is coming out for Austin. Droz gets Blackman dangling over the ropes and screams at Edge to help. Edge comes over and eye pokes Droz! That got a good laugh out of me.

8. Dan Severn- Charges right in and tackles Blackman. But again never mind that shit, Austin's getting wheeled out. The camera stays with him the whole trip out the doors outside, toward the ambulance, right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door.

9. Tiger Ali Singh- Ugh. It's almost a relief they cut immediately back to Austin getting loaded up and the ambulance driving off. Every single second of the ambulance driving off like it's a James Nguyen movie.

10. The Blue Meanie- Meanie and Singh quickly get into it. SMELL THE WORKRATE! It certainly smells like something.

11. No one comes out for a long while, then we cut backstage to see Mabel taking Mosh out. I guess it was Mosh and now it's Mabel. Mabel gets in, takes some very weak swings, then uses Big Man Logic to quickly eliminate Severn, Blackman and Singh. Meanie tries to get some shots on Mabel with zero effect.

12. WWF Hardcore Champion Road Dogg- Mabel eliminates Meanie and Droz. Dogg backdrops Edge over. One foot hits but Edge manages to save himself. Dogg pushes him off the apron, into the announce table and Edge is gone. It's just Dogg and Mabel in the ring. After a few seconds the lights go out. Undertaker's music hits. When the lights come back on the Acolytes are in the ring attacking Mabel. They get Mabel out of the ring. I don't think he went over the top. Lawler weakly covers by saying "I think they got him over the top rope". The Acolytes push Mabel up the aisle to a waiting Undertaker and Bearer. Taker takes his hood off and his eyes are rolled back. He's supposed to be doing some kind of entrancement on Mabel but Mabel has no clue how to sell it. The Acolytes attack him again and everyone leaves through the entrance stage. That leaves Dogg all alone in the ring.

13. Gangrel- He comes in with a bit of spunk at least, in contrast to a lot of guys so far. So of course Dogg eliminates him almost immediately, once again leaving only one man in the ring for a long stretch of time.

14. Kurrgan- Oh for frak's sake. He could at least have come out at a point there was a lot of guys in the ring so he could blend in with the crowd. Kurrgan again uses Big Man Logic to beat Dogg down and hit his one move, the side suplex.

15. Al Snow- Minus Head. Dogg and Snow double up on Kurrgan, until Dogg takes an opening and dumps Snow.

16. Goldust- We're past halfway and, honest question, has there been a single entrant so far after Austin that's seemed even close to a plausible winner? Goldust hits Kurrgan with a DDT and Kurrgan gives about the worst DDT sell I've ever seen.

17. The Godfather- With a mini Ho Train of two. Godfather hits the train on Goldust.

18. Kane- Now this is a bit of a business pick up. Kane tosses Dogg. Kurrgan's out thank God. Godfather's gone. He chokeslams Goldust out. Big pop for Kane for the elimination run. But after that a whole bunch of white coats storm the ring. Long Russo story short, Vince and the Corporation have decided Kane is certifiably nuts and are trying to get him committed. Kane fights a few of the guys off, then steps over the top rope and out of the ring, eliminating himself and leaving no one in ring. Bloody hell. The white coat guys chase Kane off as I'm starting to wonder if this Rumble is getting me to a point where it's driving me so insane I should be committed.

19. WWF Intercontinental and Tag Team Champion Ken Shamrock- Vince also makes his way back out with a shirt on. Remember, he's still officially in the match. But you don't think he's going to get in the ring do you? Silly person. He goes over and joins commentary. Shamrock spends the whole period standing in the ring by himself because what this Rumble desperately needed was more dead time.

20. "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn- Gunn comes out with only one boot on and limping from his earlier match with Shamrock. Shamrock immediately attacks the bad ankle again. Gunn ducks a kick and hits a back suplex. He presses Shamrock up but can't hold him and drops him in the corner. Shamrock gets tossed onto the apron but not out.

21. Test- Making his PPV debut. He came into WWF the previous fall and almost immediately became a member of the Corporation as hired muscle. Once again we cut from the ring, this time to Taker and the Acolytes loading Mabel into a hearse. The next time we see him he'll be Viscera. But here comes an ambulance! Austin is driving! Austin's back! Not that anyone was actually shocked.

22. WWF Tag Team Champion The Big Boss Man- We never see his entrance as the camera is on Austin walking back to the ring. He chases Vince off commentary and through the ring but gets jumped by all the Corporation guys still in the match. Austin eliminates Shamrock. Vince gets back to commentary.

23. Triple H- He goes for Test. Gunn is somehow still in despite his bum ankle. Guys seem to be fighting over who's going to get the bounty to eliminate Austin so that part of Vince's plan seems to be working.

24. Val Venus- Vince says in passing he's going to pay the bounty money out of Shane's trust fund which gets a chuckle from me. Austin eliminates Gunn.

25. WWF European Champion X-Pac- Venus makes an apron save and pulls off a rare off the top rope move in the Rumble. A minute later Austin does the same thing.

26. "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry- Yup, we're full on into the Sexual Chocolate phase now. I wish I could say something interesting is happening in the ring but....it's not.

27. Jeff Jarrett- The crowd boos Debra leaving. Man, people have weird tastes. Austin gets stomped down in the corner. Pac heel kicks Trips to show it is every man for himself.

28. D'Lo Brown- Austin eliminates Test. Boss Man eliminates Pac. Jarrett and Boss Man get Austin up but not out.

29. Owen Hart- HHH eliminates Jarrett. Austin rolls out, grabs a pitcher of water, takes a swig, and throws the rest in Vince's face. Pissed Vince almost takes the headset off and gets in but cools himself down.

30. Chyna- Chyna won the famous Corporate Rumble on Raw to both earn a spot in the Rumble proper and to come in at #30, making her the first woman ever in the Rumble. She immediately attacks Henry, who had been borderline sexually harassing her for months. Chyna eliminates Henry! Austin comes up and clotheslines Chyna out! What a sexist. The patriarchy rules again. HHH and Austin find each other and make me wish this was a better Rumble. HHH eliminates Venus. Stunner on HHH! Trips is gone. This is such a screwy Rumble I'm not doing my usual final four reset. The unofficial final four, those still in the ring, are Austin, Boss Man, Brown and Owen. Vince is still in the match. They pair up for a while, Brown on Austin and Boss Man on Owen, and pretty much kill time and nothing else. After finally mixing the pairings up Austin eliminates Owen. Boss Man sets Austin up and Brown hits him with a frog splash. Then Boss Man flips the script and eliminates Brown. Stunner on Boss Man! Austin dumps him! With some difficulty on Boss Man's end. Fortunately no one tries to pretend it's over, everyone knows Vince is still officially in it. Austin gets out and after some jawing they brawl over the commentary table, then go into the crowd again. Austin gets a chair and whacks Vince in the head with it. Vince is out. Austin drags him back in the ring. Austin stares him down, in no rush to end this. Vince hits a low blow! Austin recovers and hits the Stunner! Again Austin wants to dish out more punishment and hits an elbow off the second rope. The Rock is out. He and Austin stare down and jaw at each other. Rock hops on the apron and he and Austin slug it out. Vince comes up from behind and eliminates Austin! VINCE MCMAHON wins the Royal Rumble. Austin's been screwed again. Rock and Austin fight to the back. Shane and the Stooges come out to celebrate with Vince. No Chance in Hell plays for Vince's win, pretty much cementing it as his theme. They stick it to Austin one more time by breaking the beer out and end show.

If you ever wondered what it would be like to have Russo fully in charge of a Rumble, that was it. That was Russorific to the core. The result? Probably the worst Rumble of all time. Fortunately he wouldn't get the chance to do another. *1/2

OVERALL SHOW THOUGHTS- 1999 does not start with a bang for WWF on the PPV side. Fortunately for them they were still cranking out red hot TV every week on Raw so it wouldn't hurt too much. This is the year that the wheels would start to come off Russo's wild booking style a bit, leading to some big changes in the fall for both WWF and WCW. Rock/Mankind is mostly the only thing worth watching and very important in the career history of both men, but the Rumble is worth a look too as a crazy historical curio. Just don't expect to be impressed.

OVERALL SHOW GRADE: D

 

Bonus Match

 

Halftime Heat (taped 1/26/99, aired 1/31/99 during halftime of Super Bowl XXXIII)

Empty Arena Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WWF Championship: Mankind def The Rock (c) in 17:19- Super Bowl halftime counterprogramming was all the rage in these days, so WWF jumped on board in the middle of one of their hottest periods. They picked a good year for it too, all but the most hardcore football fans were probably looking for something else to watch as the lucky to be there Falcons were clearly overmatched by the late career Elway/TD Broncos. This was taped the afternoon before a Raw taping, even at this point Raw was still not live every single week. Kevin Kelley and Shane are on the call to start. We start out with full Fink intros in the empty arena. Sadly this is a bit of a preview for what we'd see most of 2020 and into '21, minus the fans on video screens or fake crowd noise. You can also call this another precursor to one of the staples of the COVID era, the cinematic match. Mankind's head is bandaged up after getting busted open the week before in the Rumble match. Vince comes out with Rock and takes over on commentary solo. He immediately bitches about this match being booked in the first place but quickly settles into mostly normal Vince play by play. They start out with some basics in the ring, with Mankind quickly hitting the double underhook DDT for 2. Socko is out and the Claw is on! Rock falls out of the ring. Mankind hits a baseball slide. Swinging neckbreaker on the floor for 2. Rock gets run into the timekeeper's table and commentary. Vince is not happy about that. Whip reversal and Mankind goes THROUGH the barricade! Things that are easy to do when there's no crowd. Rock hits some stomps and covers for 2. Mankind gets tossed into the empty chairs! This is turning into a New Japan match with all the chairs flying. I'm thinking of that recent (for me) Jon Moxley/Great O'Khan match at Power Struggle. There wasn't a chair left standing the entire floor section when that match was over. After a few chair tosses Rock comes over and borrows (not takes) Vince's headset to add a few words in. But here comes Mankind with Socko! The Claw is on again! Rock low blows to get out. Rock staggers up the stairs and Mankind hits him with a clothesline from behind, then runs Rock into the steps. More staggered climbing as they head to the top of the arena. Rock lays in wait at the top of the stairs and nails Mankind with a trash can. Rock kicks and Mankind rolls down the stairs! Rock dumps both verbal and literal trash on Mankind. We cut back to Kelley and Shane for some replays/edit covering. Back to Vince and "live" action as cameras find the wrestlers in a kitchen. Mankind gets thrown through a rack of cotton candy and run into a fridge. Rock takes Socko! HE PUTS SOCKO IN AN OVEN! THE HUMANITY! Mankind also gets burned on an open oven with Rock getting "Can you smell what the Rock is cooking" in. Mankind continues to get knocked around the kitchen. Rock throws BREAD on him! That's hardcore. Cover for 2. Rock gets a funny improv line in when Mankind knocks a bunch of dishes over, "Will you stop making a mess!". Rock finds some JD, sings a bit, takes a swig....and a punch from Mankind! More dishes fall. Hope they're being paid good for replacements. Mankind hits Rock with a giant bag of popcorn! There's popcorn everywhere! They go out the door into the catering area, with a bunch of crew there eating. Rock gets up, takes and eats a bit of popcorn, shouts "Too much salt!' and nails Mankind. And now everything on the catering table is getting dumped over. It's turning into a classic Vince McMahon food fight. Mankind gets something in his eye that he says burns. Rock says "It's mild, you..." and Mankind punches him. Rock backdrops out of a piledriver attempt and Mankind goes back over the catering table. There's one plate of food still standing you didn't get. And down goes the sculpture. Rock picks up some food out of a basket "The Rock doesn't even know what this is!". Mankind low blows Rock and covers for 2. Mankind takes an ice bowl in the face. And out the door into the office area. The brawl goes into a very posh office. The phone rings. Rock picks it up! "Smackdown hotel. Mankind's not available, he's busy with the Rock's FOOT IN HIS MOUTH". Rock chokes Mankind with the phone cord, then breaks about 17 HR rules talking to the female office worker. Mankind comes from behind to knock Rock around the hallway. And now we're out to the loading dock. Back and forth brawling and both guys are down. Mankind gets the Claw on again. He pushes Rock under a forklift. Mankind has an idea. He gets Rock in position, then politely asks the guy working the forklift to move. Vince is furious that Mankind asked nicely and said "please", which is hilarious to me. Mankind takes the controls and lowers the forklift pallet on top of Rock! The editing and shot choices are pretty bad here, it's a dead giveaway that's is not live and extremely staged, mostly the top down shots with Rock looking right into camera. Mankind gets on the pallet squashing Rock, and Hebner counts 3! Mankind wins the title back! That was fun. No masterpiece by any means, but a good little experiment that both guys worked very well and were clearly enjoying playing with. ***

There'd be one last title hotshot between these two, with Rock winning the title back again on Raw a couple of weeks after in a Ladder Match. He'd then hang onto it for his coming Wrestlemania showdown with Austin. As for Halftime Heat, it would be done again the next year but with very different content, then stopped. The only other "proper" Halftime Heat was in 2019, with a very good NXT 6 man tag match. It's an idea that needs to be brought back again.

Finally, in honor of Mankind's use of a forklift, a fun little bit to go out with: